Re-evaluating Where I Stand With Myself

Ever since I understood what psychological issues were and that I had a great many, I knew that my demons were smarter than me. They know exactly what to whisper in my head to crack and collapse any feelings of light, warmth or love in me. And they have been working in my head long before I knew they were there and knew enough to combat them in any meaningful way. Every once in awhile, I come across a long standing source of pain. And recent events in my life have uncovered one.

I have been going through a lot recently. The events themselves don't really need to be discussed here, but they have prompted me to re-evaluate a great many widely held ideas. You know, clear out all the unimportant clutter in my head and really get down to the core ideals that I really take to heart. Without all the complications that corrupt and corrode those ideals. Given the time of year, a lot of these thoughts have to do with romantic ideals.

As far as I can remember, I've hated this time of year. I mean since I was a little kid and forced to give those little valentine's day cards to all my classmates. The same classmates that made fun of me the whole year because of my size and my intelligence were suddenly supposed to receive a token of affection from me? And me from them?? As I got older, I added more and more reasons.

• It's a fake holiday trying to commercialize romance
• It's a yearly reminder of the fact that I'm single
• It's a yearly reminder of the fact that I've never been in a relationship during this time of year (other times, yes, but NEVER on Feb 14th)
• There's no escaping it: stores, movies, TV shows, the radio, and the internet all explode with "romance" this time of year.
• Given the holiday's history of violence, it makes no sense to celebrate it with cards, flowers, and chocolate.

Sound familiar?

And while those reasons have valid facts to back them up, they are nothing more than a shield. A facade covering up the real reason I am dissatisfied with this time of year. After all, let's be real: who in their right mind is against being in love with someone?? So, what is the real reason?

Well, I'm a creature of logic. And despite what people believe, love and emotions have their own rules and systems of logic. So, we'll start with the most powerful reason I hate Valentine's Day and unpack the logic from there. And yes, this is a basic transcription of a mental conversation I had with myself a few days ago.

Rejected too often...

I hate Valentine's Day because it's a yearly reminder that I'm single. Why?

Because I don't date. Why not?

Because I don't ask women out on dates. Why not?

Because I've been rejected too many times and I don't want to go through that again. Why do women reject you? 

Because women don't find me attractive enough to date. Why?

I'm not worth it

Well, to be attractive, women have to like to look at me. That is the literal definition of the word "attractive". And I don't put effort into my appearance. Why?

Because it's too much effort. Why is it too much effort?

Because there is no chance of it working. Why?

Because even if I did put in the effort, it wouldn't work. Why not?

Because the problem is me. Why are you the problem?

Because I'm not worth it.

BOOM!

BOOM!! At that moment, my mind exploded. So many ideas, thoughts, and memories flooded my consciousness that even now, almost a full week later, I don't fully remember all of it.

Much to my surprise, I found out that at the core of my mind, I honestly believe that I'm not worth being loved. Also surprising was my reaction to that realization. Rather than just blindly accepting it and diving into some dark depression (as I would normally do when my demons talk to me), I kind of leaned back and asked: Wait, why not? I'm a good guy. Flawed but a good man, why don't I deserve to be loved by someone? And my demons had no answer. Now that I think of it, most of my successes come when I out-think my demons. This was one of those times.

I don't know when that idea got planted in my head or where it came from. But my demons hid it deep and hid it long, long ago. And I know this because that final realization didn't feel new. I could see so many choices made, and opportunities missed because of that thought.

Now, don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I'm instantly healed and have become an upbeat, perky person. I've still endured a great deal of trauma and those memories and their effects didn't just evaporate. And it doesn't really end the issue of self worth, either. But those issues don't have quite the same power over me. So, how does this relate to my earlier statements?

I am worthy of being loved, and I must convey that to the people whom I encounter. How?

By showing that I love myself. How?

By taking care of myself. How?

By putting in effort to change my appearance. How?
Eating better foods.
Working to change bad habits mentally and physically.
Working to lose weight. 

To what end?

To be more in line with established norms of what people, specifically women, find attractive. Now, I understand that people shouldn't be judged by appearance and that includes me. Who I am and how I act and treat others is an essential part of this. But my personality, negative though it may be, has never really been a problem.

And despite what we like to believe, when it comes to romance, there's always a component of physical attraction based on appearance, both socially and biologically. We all tell ourselves that we would still love our significant others if they looked different, but deep down we all know that an integral part of their appeal is their looks. Even if it's just a single feature.

Some day she will be with me...

And to be completely honest, my dear readers, given all the crap that women go through to meet social ideals of beauty and attractiveness, as best they can, it's really a small ask of me to meet some basic criteria of physical fitness. Plus there is another aspect of to this as well. The willingness to do this is not only a sign that I am worth the effort to look attractive to others. But is also a sign that the woman of my dreams is worth the effort it takes for me to be the best version of myself.

Tell me what you think, my dear readers, in the comments below.