My Headspace...

It's been a long time since I've posted on the blog. I'm not going to apologize for it, but I can explain. Despite having the free time again, I have been feeling... not lost, but adrift. There is no motivation. No enthusiasm. No energy to do anything. It's like I'm unplugged from everything around me.

I go through the motions, say the right things, react the right way, but there's mostly just emptiness. There are moments when things seem normal, but the moments pass and I'm right back to the emptiness. One manifestation of that is the lack of ideas for writing posts for this blog. Hell, I've barely even LOOKED at this site for weeks. And when the ideas do come, I just write them down on a piece of paper or some text file on my phone or PC and then forget about it. Or maybe a quick little status update on Facebook, but nothing more. The interest just wasn't there.

I started this blog three years ago (Wow, three years??) because I wanted a forum where I could talk about things that interested me in a more full, and permanent way than just a quick FaceBook or MySpace status update. But what happens when I don't care enough to say anything about anything? Just look at the numbers. Last year I posted about 50 times on here. The year before was double that number, 2 years ago was TRIPLE. Am I just not caring about blogging? I don't think so, because I still write down ideas for blog posts. I just don't actually WRITE the posts. It seems the interest is there, but something is in the way. Or more accurately, the spark is there, but the flame never ignites.

Is this what is classified as depression? Or just obsessive boredom? Is there such a thing as "obsessive boredom"?

I try to connect, to plug back into life, but I find it difficult to care about others the way I used to. Back when I felt that I was the one who had to help everyone. I think it's called a "hero complex" or something similar. I used to believe it was an extension of being the eldest of my siblings. Being the responsible one for my family made sense of my life, and I pushed that out to everyone that I encountered. There was some "evidence" to support the theory, friends and family who had gone off the rails after I stopped being in regular contact with them. However, looking back on it now, I have to admit that it was just an empty measure of arrogance. People are responsible for their own lives. It's not MY job to help anyone but myself. Even those I care about (what few remain) are not mine to support. If they ask, I can, but it's not my CAREER, or main purpose in LIFE.

But without the philosophy of "I'm the eldest so I'm responsible", what else is there?

Some would say romance, but that has never worked for me. For whatever reason, I don't connect with the fairer sex. Not that I can't. Most of the women I know think I'm an amazing man, but I don't connect with women the right way to make romance work. I think mostly it has to do with the fact that I am most comfortable alone. But that's a tired topic, and I don't want to get into it yet again.

Some would say work, but that's not really an option. I'm currently unemployed again. Most of my jobs have lasted for about 2 years, so there really isn't an sense of stability there either.

Some would say friends, but all my friends are living their lives. Most are married, some even have kids. They are moving forward, realizing their goals. Their lives are full, there's no room for someone who is locked in stasis.

To be honest, I'm surprised that I'm writing this post at all. Maybe I'm coming out of it. Maybe my penchant for analysis is helping me break this in some way...

Maybe this is just another step into the emptiness.

Maybe this is just a symptom of being up at this late hour... Now I'm just rambling... Good night, my dear readers. I hope to post something more interesting next time.

Headspace...

There are so many times in life when there are an overwhelming amount of options in front of you. In those types of situations, how do you know what to do? There are schools of thought that dictate we are nothing but the sum of our choices. By necessity, that style of thinking puts a great deal of weight on every single choice you face. How do you know which of the paths in front of you leads to the best life? As you stand at the nexus of your choices, how do you know what is the right path?

Is it right to sacrifice your desires & dreams to support others? Should you spend your life working on the things that make you happy? The real world never seems to give solid, absolute answers. It always hovers in the middle ground. It's good to sacrifice, but you should also take care of yourself. But when do you sacrifice? When is it right to take care of yourself?

How do you know that the choice that makes you feel better now is the best choice for the long run? Must the best things for you cause you pain?

Headspace...

I mentioned in my last entry that I haven't been in a good headspace lately. And it's true. The Year Of The Geek hasn't been good to me so far. First, it was my unemployment and all the worries that it brings. Then losing my car.

Now, I am employed. When I first got the phone call that told me I had a job, I was ELATED. I was no longer a failure. I was no longer doomed to live on the streets with nothing to show for my efforts in life. Then, my mind worked through the elation and started looking at the reality of what I was getting into. My new job gave me the same amount of money as my unemployment check. It wasn't the deliverance or salvation I wanted. And, it added problems I didn't have while unemployed. How do I get to work? How do I get home?

Then the pressures of life that had given me a wide berth returned twice as strong. Can I survive on the pay? Can I cover my responsibilities? This job pays just a sliver above my unemployment, will I lose my apartment? If I can't make rent on time, I'll lose my home. With nowhere to live, and no way to get to work, I'll lose the job.

Should I stay? There are people depending on me. Will I serve them better by moving back to MA and looking there for work?? Leaving here would mean walking away from this job. Where would I live if I go back to MA? How would I get an apartment with no job? This job is the only thing holding me here in Manchester. I have NO SUPPORT here whatsoever. Are my chances truly better in MA as opposed to here? How would I get a job with no car?

Then there's the pressures of the new job. Nervousness swells into fear. Fear that I'll be homeless, that I'll compromise myself and lose the job. Fear that those who depend on me will falter and their lives will break because my support isn't there. The fear keeps me awake, diminishing my performance at work bringing my fears closer to reality.

Then there's the fear of the future. Is this job going to be what I do? Sitting in a cubicle answering phones, repeating the same words with slight variations over & over into the ears of a plethora of strangers with no hope of creativity? Have I reached the potential of my life? Is this all I can accomplish?

And time passes. The first two weeks of my employment are nothing but a blur of fear, despair, anxiety, and depression. Valentine's day, normally a yearly bane to my existence, barely registered on me this year. I stopped talking to friends, and couldn't bring myself to take part in my favorite activities. And THAT'S where my head has been in recent times. Thankfully, the chaotic conflagration of emotions that has battered against my sanity has ebbed. If it hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to write this post. Ironically, the real world that threatened my sanity, comes to my rescue.

In debating my issues, and chewing over my problems, it occurs to me that even in the midst of my personal turmoil, I still managed to make it to work on time for the past 2 weeks. Somehow the grip fear had on me snapped, and I was able to sleep. I discharged the duties of my position and helped people get online to accomplish whatever they needed to get done.

My problems were still there. The doubts hadn't lessened, and yet I was still able to get shit done. My situation hasn't changed, yet I don't feel so daunted any more. Not only will I endure this, but I know I am CAPABLE of enduring my situation. And I also know that when my chance comes, I'll be ready.