Thoughts On... Mirrors

They say that if you hear something often enough, you start to believe it to be true. This has been proven over and over again. Most notably, the social media evolution has given ample evidence. But there is an extension to this. Hear something often enough, you start believing it to be true. Keep hearing it and it stops being true and becomes fact. There is a difference between truth and fact. Truth is subject to interpretation. Fact is not. What the fact means, and how the fact links to other facts, that is open to interpretation. The Fact, however, is not. You can argue what causes us to stick to the earth, but that we stick to the earth is unarguable. Gravity is a fact.

Thoughts On... Unrequited Love

I remember coming across a version of Aphrodite (Greek goddess of love) that was a pretty vindictive bitch at times. When asked how she could justify her recent bitchy behavior given the fact that she's the goddess of love, she replied, "There are many types of love, including jealousy, unrequited, obsession, and even narcissism. I have to represent all of them." (Not sure if I'm getting the quote right, but it gets my point across.) It seems like Unrequited Love (UL) is the hardest to get over because it affects you on two different levels.

The first being the actual emotions you're living with that you have to get over. Like any other chemical addiction, getting over UL is a long and painful process. The second is the dream. The life & love you imagined would take place once the one you loved agreed to be with you because they felt the same way. While not as physically painful (after all, it is just an idea in your head), this second level is the harder of the two to get rid of because literally ANYTHING can trigger a trip down the rabbit hole of the dream. Over the course of my life, UL is the type of love I have encountered more than any other. In fact, I'm trying to get over it right now. Hence, this post.

A Moment Of Beauty...

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not a big fan of the holidays. My year ends on Oct 31st. At this point, there isn't really a way for this time of year to be redeemed for me. However, thanks to recent personal development, I've been able to finally recognize that there are some good times to be had during this my most harrowing time of the year. One of these moments occurred recently.

Reflections Video Episode 6 - Hidden Treasures

Life's been hectic recently. One of the issues that made my life hectic was the shutting down of the site where I had a storage unit. I don't exactly know why they shut it down, the email I got said something about lead exposure. Due to the shut down I had to empty out my storage unit, once and for all. After having the unit for such a long time, it was a kind of weird version of Christmas re-discovering what I had locked away in there. Check out the video for more info!

Aaaaaaand I'm Back!

It's been 3 months since I've even looked at this site. And I know that you're all wondering what happened to me since my last post where I relayed the message of my startling unemployment. Well, to be honest, a lot has happened. But, I'm not going to bore you with all the details. So, here are the highlights:

Just When I Thought I Was In... They Kick Me Back Out

It's the beginning of the new year and I'm starting it just like the last one: Unemployed. That's right folks! I was laid off... again. TODAY! It was the perfect complement to the 2 hour train ride in to work due to faulty electronics on the commuter rail train I was riding. And as I sit here writing this blog post, only one thought runs through my mind:

I should have seen it coming.

It Was My Birthday And I Sang... Cause I Wanted To

Last Friday was a momentous day for me, my dear readers! If you didn't already know, last Fri was my birthday, and I decided to do something exceptionally rare for me. I threw a birthday party! Now, I know what you're thinking: Me? Party? But, I swear to you, it 's true! A friend of mine (let's call her Ms. Party Planner) was able to find a venue that was close by, available on my birthday, AND free! It's called "El Taller" (pronounced tah-yer) and it's a chill place where you can get some good food, some drinks and be creative. It's a really great place and will most likely become my chill spot in Lawrence.

My Weekend

I love music. I could not imagine a world where there was no music. There is no other medium that engages the emotions and touches the soul quite like music. It can be entertaining, educational, moving and cathartic. This past weekend, I went to karaoke. A friend of mine does some Karaoke DJing on the side and I wanted to support him so I went and brought some friends with me. I love singing karaoke, and I wanted to have a good time because I was feeling a bit more down than normal for the holidays due to a recent dating misadventure (I'll tell you all about it in a future post.).

Greatness Awaits No More...

So, I'm someone who has been dealing with technology for a long time. And one of the things that I've learned about tech is to NEVER get the first version of the technology because there's always a greater chance of bugs. After all, there's only so much testing you can do in a lab, so there will always be unforeseen bugs when a new piece of tech is made available to the real world. In keeping with that I wasn't going to attempt to get a PlayStation 4 at launch. Plus, with the speed at which all the systems available for pre-order were snapped up, I didn't think there was a snowball's chance in hell of getting one without a pre-order.

Movie Marathon Day: Sat Nov 2nd

While I do admit that I miss having a girlfriend, there are certain benefits to not having one. For example, there isn't a girlfriend in the world who would allow me to do what I have planned for this Saturday. See, I've been severely lacking in my movie watching. It's been partly because it's rare that there are this many movies in the theaters that I actually want to go see, but on the whole it's been because life events have gotten in the way. But, that's all over. And so, this Saturday, Nov 2nd, I will move into a movie theater for the day and watch EVERY SINGLE MOVIE on my list that is STILL in theaters. Yes, that's correct. I will be doing a movie marathon just for ME. No one else but ME. So, what movies are on the list? I'm glad you asked! Here, check them out:

Funny Thing Happened This Morning...

Here's a bit of humor to start your day, my dear readers.

I found out this morning, that my apt holds grudges. I don't know why it's pissed off at me, but I must have done something. Here's what happened. As I was leaving the apt this morning, I saw one of my roommates getting ready to go to work. I offer a ride and they agree. I open the apt door, then open the screen door(which has a loose lower panel), say, "Okay, I'll go warm up the car", and step outside.


In retrospect, I realize that was my mistake. Stepping outside.

The battle started with the doormat. The little fucker slid just as my foot landed so my leg just went out from under me. The screen door then screeched at me and smacked me while I was falling to alter my trajectory and I ended up falling to my right. I was wearing my backpack, which cleverly blocked the porch floor's attack. But, that pissed off the side wall who proceeded to crack me in the back of the head while angrily shouting, "Muthafucker!!"

As my head rebounds off the wall, the lower panel of the screen door puts King Leonidas to shame yelling, "SPARTA" and detaching itself from the rest of the door and flying directly at my face just in time to add the energy from my rebounding head to its strike.

Their anger sated, for the moment, they disengaged from me and allowed my roommate to help me regain my feet. When they asked what happened, I realize that the blitz attack happened so fast, no one else but me saw the real events of the attack.

I would like to say that I held up a lot better in this fight. I really do, but I can't. They caught me by surprise and it was 5 to 1 (doormat, screen door, wall, floor, and lower panel) odds. Plus, I'm a lover not a fighter, so I was doomed from the start. If this happens again, I hope I'll be ready and handle myself better.  

But, I swear to you, my dear readers, that is EXACTLY what happened. So, beware of your apt, it might just be pissed at you, too!

Because He's The White Dude? Really??

Okay, I have really had it with some of the presidential campaign ads that I've been seeing recently. I'm sure you've seen them too. The Pro-Obama ads that imply (or sometimes just flat out state) that anything short of messianic love of Obama means you're a racist douche-bag with a swastika tattooed on your left nut who just loves hanging with your KKK pals and jerking off to pics of Hitler ass-raping the minorities before kicking them into a gas chamber. Stuff like an ad asking why someone would like Romney. They list a bunch of his stances in politics (fair game) and then end it with:

"Or is it because he's the white dude and you really HATE Obama?"

Really, people? I have lived in this country my whole life and I've lived through many presidential campaigns, but this is a new low. Despite the admitted problems this country has, the thing that makes me LOVE living here is the core philosophy and ideals which we strive to live up to every day. One of the most famous of those ideals is the first amendment. Amongst other things, the first amendment of the US Constitution gives us freedom of speech, and freedom of religion. Add those two freedoms together and you give the citizens of the US the freedom to believe anything we want to believe.

Now, I'm someone who supports Obama. I firmly believe he's the right candidate for the job. But, I do understand that a coherent and cogent case can be made for Mitt Romney's candidacy. There is an intelligent argument for him to be president. I may not agree with that argument, but it's THERE. If the strongest pro-Obama argument out there is that you're racist if you don't vote for him, then Obama shouldn't win. Why because that argument is blatantly moronic. And, yes, I mean it. Seriously, to accuse people of being racist just because they don't believe that Obama did a good job these past four years is freaking idiotic! Here's how idiotic this is:

The definition of racism (according to Merriam Webster's dictionary) is the following:

Racism (noun):
A belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and that racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race.

Note that there aren't any racial distinctions there. Anyone, of any color, can be racist towards anyone else of any color. Going by the definition above, the people who created these ad campaigns calling people racist are themselves being racist by assuming that race is the primary determinant of how people will vote in this election!! Get that?

Racist people are accusing others of being racist for not liking their candidate based on his race. 

HOW FREAKING STUPID IS THAT??

And the worst part is, because of the politically correct undercurrents in this culture, there are people out there who will change their vote out of fear of being accused of racism (which is getting the same social stigma as being accused of rape). So, we're resorting to fear based ad campaigns in this country?? Really?

It's one thing to accuse the Congress members who dedicated themselves to making sure Obama was a single term president before he stepped foot into the office of being racist. They had nothing but the color of his skin to base their opinions on. And as elected officials, they are to be held to a higher standard while in office and making policy for this country. But now? After four years of Obama being in office? He wouldn't be doing his job right if he didn't piss people off. And those pissed off people have the right to vote for someone else. That's what being in a FREE COUNTRY is about, people!!

Now, do I admit that there are racists out there who want President Blackenstein out of office? Yes, I do. They are out there. And they have every right to be out there. This is a land of the free and we are free to believe whatever we choose, even if its racist. But don't go throwing the baby out with bathwater here, people. The actual racists out there don't account for the ENTIRE republican voting population. They don't even account for most of it. Thankfully, none of the candidates have approved any of the ads that I've seen. I don't want to know what kind of political crap storm would occur if that happened.

Now, this is a land of the free, so I can't stop them from spewing this excrement. I usually just change the channel or skip the ad, but the sheer amount of this stuff that I have to avoid is getting REALLY annoying. And I'm sick of it.

To all you Romney supporters out there, stand strong! This Obama supporter believes that you are good people who are making the choice you believe is right, and not choosing out of any racist tendencies. I have no quarrel with you, and I hope the best man for the job (whomever that may be) wins the election this year. Good luck to you, and God bless!

The Best Rejection EVER....

In reading the title for this post, one might ask how can a rejection be rated "best"? After all, rejection is always bad, right? Well, not exactly. In my job search immediately after I graduated from college, I was introduced to the "good" rejection when I applied to work at data storage company. I didn't get the job, which sucked, but the REASON why I didn't get the job was awesome. The HR guy basically told me that I was too enthusiastic about computers to be happy in the position they were offering. I would very quickly find the job mind numbingly dull and he couldn't, in good conscience, place me in that position. While I left that interview without a job, I also left with an amazing feeling: I was TOO GOOD for someone.

As you're aware, my dear readers, I'm in the middle of another job search. And once again, I got an AMAZING rejection. I applied for a application development position at Company X. At the beginning of the interview, I was told to mull over the things that were about to go over and call them back tomorrow to see if I was really interested in the role. I went through the interview, and spent the rest of the day, and most of the next day thinking about it. I called Company X back and left a message saying that I liked the place and I was definitely still interested in a position there. I figured it would be another day or so before I heard back, so I wasn't really feeling stressed or anything. Corporate hiring takes FOREVER. The only thing slower is GOVERNMENT hiring times.

Much to my surprise, a few hours later the lady from Company X's HR dept called me back! We went over my reactions to the interview, and then she gave me the run down from their perspective. It turns out that I was the last candidate to apply for the position and after considering all of them, they were going to offer the position to someone else. Right then, I was thinking, "Damn, oh well, at least they let me know quickly and didn't drag this out". And I was about to tell her something to the same effect when she continues with this:

"However, because we liked your personality so much and respect what you're doing in trying to learn more about development, we went to the CFO and secured funds to create a temporary position till the end of the year at which point we might get the funds to make it permanent, if you're interested."

Yes, that's right, my dear readers!! They didn't give me the job, but because they liked me so much, they created another duplicate contract-to-perm position JUST to give me a job!! Readers, I'll be completely honest here, my jaw hit the floor when I heard her say that! I accepted the position and I start Monday, October 8th!

This will go down in my book as the BEST REJECTION EVER!!! And I can officially say that I'm once again, gainfully employed!

The Dawn of Dilking

It's been a long time since I've posted on my blog. In fact, it's been over two months since I've even looked at this site. I just haven't had the right mindset to write anything. If you look closely at the overarching tone of the last few posts on the site, you could see that my life was slowly coming apart. In the past two months I've been dealing with that unraveling as well as trying to pull myself back together.

At the end of June, I lost my home. No, that's not right. I was put in the position of having to choose between having my own apartment or my own car. I chose the car. So, at the end of June, I left my home. No, I'm not homeless. Some friends allowed me to take over a spare bedroom. I discussed the pros/cons of that decision so I won't go over that mess again. I will say this: it's taken me a lot longer than I expected to get over the loss of my home. It seems that I take to being depressed like a fish to water. It's not that I enjoy being depressed, but that it's easy for me to live there.

I finished my training, and I'm back to looking for work. Unfortunately, my job search has to work with the corporate schedule, and budgets for new hires usually don't free up until the beginning of the financial quarter which is somewhere around the end of September. Between now & then, it's nothing but slim pickins. But I'm keeping myself entertained with the practice exams for my certifications. Once I get reliably good at passing it, I'll take my shot at passing it for real and getting my  Microsoft certs.

The long dark night in my mind is passing. The sun is crossing the horizon. The dawn has come.

Tough Week... Aftershocks

You know what's worse than an earthquake? The aftershocks. It's like a killer combo from a heavyweight boxer. The first full force punch cracks your defenses, but it's the follow up punches that put you down. Today, I got an aftershock of my last week. The job offer I was hoping to get... I didn't get. I was called out of the blue and told that the offer was 90% in the bag, they had some paperwork to finish, but I was pretty much in. I had to wait a week for a final answer. The time came and they asked for another week. (Again, I should've taken it as a sign.) Then, the answer came down... No. You might wonder Why? Well, they had problems with my history. Despite me explaining it to them several times, in person & over the phone, they still said no.

Frankly, I'm not able to keep going as I am on my Unemployment check. Company X's rejection now necessitates some drastic measures on my part. At this point, something has to give, and that something is me. Among all the things I've lost, I'm now losing another: my home. I can't afford to maintain my bills, my cell phone, my car, AND my apartment. Since I need the car and the cell, the rest HAS to go.

Don't worry about me, my dear readers. It turns out that I have an unexpected ace to play here. Those of you who know me, know that I'm a decent person; a nice guy, as it were. You also know that I've lamented over that fact ever since I realized that girls always want the BAD guy and not me. Being the nice guy has gotten me abused and taken advantage of for most of my life. (Several of my friends can attest to that fact.) I've tried to turn myself around, but my basic history, training, and experience has proven... difficult to overcome. However, in this instance, being a nice guy gained me the ace I mentioned earlier. A long time ago, I gave shelter (and a home) to a friend who needed one in a hurry. Now, they offered me the same. I would use this as proof that being a nice guy has benefits, but I don't believe it myself.

Any way you look at it, moving is the smart play. There is only a small cost for the move, and the benefits are vast. I'd save somewhere around $400 a month, just in rent. I also will save money by not being tethered to maintaining utility bills, aside from my cell phone. I also save by not having to purchase groceries on my own. My friends save on rent because I'd be covering a portion of it, so they get more money, too. Win-Win!

Socially, I get to hang with my friends every day. Including some new ones that live in the area. To be honest, they're all ecstatic about having me live with them, but I can't share the sentiment. Intellectually, I understand the angles I see. But, I'm losing my home. The little piece of real estate that is mine. The place I use to rest from the demands from the rest of the world and keep my head as straight as I can get it. I'm also losing another thing: my autonomy. A quality that I cherish, and that I had only regained a couple of years ago. Having to choose to relinquish it just adds to my already present depression due to my lack of work and the resultant train of relentless personal life crises I've dealt with ever since.

And then to make it worse, I know that my lack of enthusiasm hurts my friends feelings, because it makes it seem that I don't want to move in with them because I don't like them. They understand my dilemma, but it's still hurtful to witness. And it's painful to be the cause. I hope my fortunes turn for the better soon.

I'm not sure what little sanity I possess will last for much longer.

The End Of A Tough Week...

Ever since I was laid off at the beginning of Feb my life has been nothing but one crisis after another. It's been almost 4 months (wow, right?) of this non-stop crisis fighting and I'm just drained. Dodging evictions, utility shut offs, family issues (medical & otherwise), engaging in a full time job search, and facing off against MULTIPLE government agencies for help (and failing with most) just isn't easy. It's been a huge battle, and it's nowhere near over. I've only survived this long because of the strength & support of friends and some of my family, coping mechanisms I've learned over the course of my life, and pure ornery contrariness. (That last bit I didn't even realize until my landlord pointed it out to me!)

This week was a particularly painful one, though. For the past couple of months or so, I've been angling to get into a software programming training program that was funded by the state of NH. (I talked about it in a previous post.) Needless to say, I got in, but this was the first full week of intensive training. It's been awhile since I've been in school (and the subject matter is hard) so it was difficult to get into the swing of things again. It was a hard week. Then there was the stuff that happened outside of the training.

Let's take a step back. The Friday before last, I got a call from a company I had applied to (and interviewed with) a long while ago. They told me that I was 90% of the way to a job offer. They only needed to get some final paperwork & some due diligence done to complete everything. Company X also told me that I'd have an answer on the official job offer by the end of this week (May 18th).

By the beginning of this week, I driving around on an empty gas tank, and my cell phone was not working cause I didn't have the money to pay the bill. I was basically praying that I could survive until the check on Wed to put gas in the tank and re-start my cell service. Tuesday night, I come home from training to find that the power had been cut off. With no gas in the tank, and no cell, all I could do was sit in my apartment. So I spent the next FIVE HOURS doing nothing but sitting in the dark obsessing about how I was going to get any money to the power company. It's truly amazing how sitting in the dark helps focus the mind. With no distractions, I was able to collapse all the mental tracks in my head down to just the one problem: how to get my power back on. Everything I do is on computers, including my job search, so I really need electricity. Ironically, that time was really refreshing, focusing on one problem gave me a break from all the rest. At the five hour mark, my sister came home and I used her phone to contact the power company. She then loaned me the money to get the power back on. So, now I have power back on, but now I have someone ELSE I have to pay back.

Wednesday morning I got my phone back on, put gas in my car, and paid my weekly rent. I had no messages from Company X. I didn't hear anything at all the rest of the week either, not until Friday. (I should have taken that as a sign.) On Friday, I get a call from the company. They tell me that there are some issues with my resume. They feel uncomfortable with the amount of jobs I've had in recent years. Despite my explaining this to them during my in-person interview, I walk them through my long history of lay-offs. After that, I'm told that I have to wait another week for an answer. I protested, and told them that my life is going to hell in a hand basket and I needed an answer ASAP, but they stuck to the "need another week" story.

After that, I get a call from my car loan company. (Mind you this is DURING my classes, so I have to step away from my job training to answer these calls.) They tell me that I need to pay $205 by 5pm next Wednesday or they'll take the car. The most I can come up with and still be able to pay the rent, thereby avoiding the standing eviction I have with my landlord (Don't ask.) is $160. I ask if that would be enough. They said NO. I owe too much on the car and the $205 is the minimum they can take to keep the car from being repo'd. So, now I need to come up with approximately $50 or I won't have a car to drive to my potential new job!

The frustration had me almost in tears for the last hour and a half of training. Now I'm trying to figure out how to overcome this next obstacle. If and when I survive this, I just know there'll just be something else. At this point, I don't know if I have in me to beat this. I don't even know if I want to. After all, what's the fucking point? I've always told everyone that I endure. No matter what comes at me, I endure. But now, I'm asking "Why?". Why am I enduring all of this? What is the point? What do I get out of all of this besides a permanent case of depression?

My friends, family, and people in general, tell me that things will get better. I used to believe them, but now my belief is gone. And I'm sick of answering their platitudes with the natural question, "When?". The whole "Things will get better" thing is just a lie we all tell ourselves to give ourselves the boost to survive the next hour, day, or week. Again, I ask, what's the point? Why bother with the lie? Life would be less heartbreaking if we just stop lying to ourselves and face facts. Life isn't going to get better. This is it. Whatever you're dealing with now, is what you got for the long haul. Get used to it.

And yet, even with everything I've just written, in the back of my mind, I'm still working on what I can sell to make up the money I need to keep my car. I just can't seem to stop myself. So now, I guess I'm going to see what happens next. It looks like I'm just a glutton for punishment.

P.S. You're not going to believe this, my dear readers, but I wrote the content of this post long hand while sitting in a bar during a karaoke night. While surrounded by cute (albeit a little underfed) women gyrating to whatever song was being sung, I was writing this post out. What does THAT tell you about the week I've had?

End Of A Chapter...

It's difficult to say this, my dear readers, and I'm sure some of you have already directly from me, but I was laid off this past Thursday.

Yes, really.

As for what happened, that's simple. My company lost a partner which made budget cuts necessary. By budget cuts, I mean lay offs. I wasn't the only one, but that isn't really a big comfort. The strangest part about all this is my reaction to it. I've been laid off before, and every time it happened there was always this surge of fear. It felt like my soul jumped into freezing cold water.

But this time was different. I felt... Nothing. There was no fear, no anger, not even sadness. For a moment, there was a faint twinge of surprise, but that was it. Now, four days after, it's still the same. I'm going through the motions that are necessary. You know, filing for unemployment, updating my resume, restarting my searches on the job sites, etc. But, there isn't anything behind it.

It's possible that this is some weird form of depression, but I'm not sure. I've dealt with depression before (repeatedly, but that's a story for another post), but this feels different. It feels like more of the same; like the same story told over again. I know what I'm supposed to do, and I'm doing it. But like a tale that you've heard a thousand times over, there's little to no impact.

I do have an appointment with the recruiter that got me this last job, so there is a good chance I could get another job relatively soon. In the meantime, I'm living day by day, trying to find ways to fill the time.

Speaking of the Big House...

Awhile back, I got a ticket because my car was not registered & I got a warning because I still had my temp driver's license. That started an odyssey that put me up against the DMV in TWO different states. Two days and massive headaches with a double dosage of bureaucracy, and I was able to get my actual license & my car registered. But in my battles, I forgot one key thing: the original ticket.

It was forgotten until this past Friday, when I was pulled over by the cops and found out that my license was suspended. And as you all know, driving with a suspended license is against the law. And what happens when the cops catch you doing something illegal? You get arrested. Yes, my dear readers, I was arrested on Friday. When the cops put the cuffs on me, he told me that he was cuffing me with my hands in front because I was too big to fit in the back of the police car with my hands cuffed behind me. It turns out he was right. I was barely able to get in the car with my hands in front.

Getting out of the car was another ordeal. After a couple of minutes trying to get out, the cop had to uncuff one of my hands, so I could get out of the car. He cuffed me again and walked me into the police station, booked me and threw me in a cell. I was fingerprinted (digitally, which was so cool!) then placed back in my cell to wait for the bail commissioner. I signed some paper work paid a fine to the B.C. and then got a cab ride home. Then I got a ride to the tow yard, where my car was and paid the fine to get my car out, had a friend drive my car home and then take me to work. And then for the next five days, I had to make due with rides to work and staying home instead of doing what I needed to get done (like go to my diet class). Then I got my paycheck and paid the DMV off and got my driving privileges re-instated.

My Medical Position...

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted anything on the blog, and for that, I’m sorry. The reason is that I haven’t had the time to formulate any real thoughts. I’ve been entirely preoccupied with my weight issues and the obstacles the real world has placed in front of me to overcome.

Firstly, I’m back at my original weight, prior to the Gall Stone Incident, of 500lbs. The last time I weighed myself pre GSI, I was at 506lbs. After four days of the I.V. fluids only diet (which I do NOT recommend to anyone) I had lost 32lbs to weigh in at 474lbs!! I knew I was going to go back up a little after going back to solid foods, but I thought I might be able to hold on to at least SOME of that progress. My first full day out of the hospital, I was up to 477. A couple days later, I went up to 484lbs. Then it was 487… 491… 494.

Today, I went to a precursor doctor’s appointment for the medically supervised diet program. They weighed me and I clocked in at 500lbs. Thanks to years of training, I was able to hide my anger at regaining ALL of the weight back. My friend, David, who went through something similar weight wise though on a slightly different scale, played the role of experience & expertise and tried warning me that this was going to happen. And while I took the warning to heart, I kept hoping (damn that bitch, Pandora!!) that I could hold the line at the 494.

So now, a couple of weeks out of the hospital, I’m back up to 500lbs. After calming down and restarting MY normal level of thinking, I should be proud that it took me about a week to put back that last 6 pounds as opposed to the 4 days it took me to go from 477 to 494. I should also be glad that it was only 6 lbs and not the 12 that would have put me at 506 again! So there is a slight silver lining here. And the fact that I can see it, or that I even LOOKED for it, is a sign of major progress in another area of my life: my battle against negativity. I’m being more positive! They must be skiing like crazy in hell.

  

To wrap this up, here’s an interesting anecdote from my doctor visit today: One of the reasons my surgeon didn’t want to do the surgery was because at a certain point, they were going to have to tilt the table upward and there was a risk of the table tipping completely over due to my weight. Today, as I was getting off that bed/chair that every doctor’s office seems to love having their patients sit on, I had my entire weight (all 500lbs) on the step that you’re supposed to rest your feet on and the thing actually lifted off the floor on the other end!! That was a very unnerving moment for me. But I give credit where credit is due. Good call on postponing the surgery, Doc!! Good call!!

A Medical Farce...

In a previous post, I laid out my current medical situation. When last I wrote, I was expecting to go into surgery on Monday to get my gall bladder removed. Well, I was moved down to the OR and then spent 4 hours waiting. I even fell asleep several times while waiting for my turn to go under the knife. After the four hours, my doctor/surgeon comes in and tells me that he's not comfortable with going through with the surgery because it was late in the day, and he didn't want to be rushed during the procedure. So the surgery was rescheduled for today, Tuesday. In the meantime, my privilege of actually INGESTING food, as opposed to having it fed intra-venously into my system, was restored. I was treated to a dinner of 3 servings of Jello (lime, orange, and cherry), some chicken broth, apple juice & some tea. It was DELICIOUS!!

And that brings us up to today. I was told this morning that I would get surgery today around 1:30pm. By 2pm, I started to have doubts if the surgery was going to happen. I got moved down to the OR and several members of the anesthesia team started talking to me. So, I'm like "Okay, this is it." Then my surgeon walks up and tells me that most likely the surgery wasn't going to happen. At least, not today and most definitely NOT in this hospital. And there are solid reasons why.

There are some of you out there reading this that think you are fat. Guess what? You're not fat, but I AM. I weigh 500 pounds (I was weighed the first night I was here.) and I'm shaped like a small moon with arms, legs, and a head. The point of this is that while the surgical table can handle my weight, but it might not be wide enough for me. Normally, the procedure requires a breathing tube to be placed down my throat while I'm knocked out. Given my size, there's a risk that once the tube is removed, I might not be able to start breathing right away, which would lead to my death. My surgeon decided to contact the most badass surgical team with expertise in morbidly obese people: the crack staff of Lahey Clinic.

It turns out that the peeps at Lahey had just encountered a similar situation with one of their patients. Their solution was elegant in its simplicity. Since the patient's weight is what makes the surgery high-risk, have the patient lose weight.  So the plan, in its broad strokes, is that I need to lose 50lbs in order to drastically increase the safety factor of the surgery. In order to accomplish this, the Lahey peeps recommended a specialized diet to my surgeon and I'm waiting to hear the details of it.

The thing that pisses me off is that the people here KNEW my weight & size as I came in this past Thursday. Why did it take 5.5 days to figure out that they couldn't do the surgery here?? I've been stabbed with enough needles to make even the most prolific pin cushion crazy with jealousy. I've been attached to an IV with a machine that NEVER STOPPED beeping and gurgling. I haven't slept right for over a week (since before my hospital stay when I was sick). All of this for a surgery that now isn't going to happen for at least a month according to the new plan. If I wasn't so damned tired, I would be royally PISSED!!!

I'm going to be in the hospital for a couple more days, so they can monitor the diet. Then in two weeks, I have an appointment with a Doc at the Lahey clinic. I guess the question now is: how long will it take for me to lose 50lbs?