Thoughts On... Envy

One of the things I like about the bulk of the tv shows I watch is that they all spur some kind of meta thinking in me. Just a few days ago, I watched an episode of Big Bang Theory. In that episode, one of the main characters had a fit of envy that ended up ruining a romantic dinner with her boyfriend. I'm not going to get into the details of the event, but it did get me thinking about envy, both as a general concept and the last time I really felt envy.

Now, let's get something straight off the bat. I'm talking about envy, NOT jealousy. While everyone seems to think they are interchangeable, they aren't. Jealousy is the fear of losing something or someone that you're attached to or possess to someone else. Like losing a girlfriend to another guy. Envy is the resentment that you feel when someone has something that you want, but don't have. Understood? GOOD. There'll be a test afterwards. Now, getting back to the point.

The last time I felt real envy was a few months ago, and it lasted all of 45 seconds. See, a few months ago, I found out that a friend of mine has a very singular talent. When he sings, he has the ability to turn women to mush. I've seen it on multiple occasions. He'll start singing and every woman in the room, regardless of age, turns her focus directly on him. Within moments, they get the glassy eyes, start breathing shallowly and slowly, and lose all conscious recognition of anything else but him and his singing. You could bowl them over with a feather.

Watching this happen right before your eyes, the effect is frightening at first. But then you realize the power that has. You could sing your way into the heart of ANY girl you wanted. No chance of rejection of any kind. What a power! And it's WASTED on a guy who is already married!!! And here's where the envy started. I spent a good 30 seconds (which for ME is a long time) focused on the injustice of it all. Why should a married guy get the power to wilt all women? He already has one! With my bad luck with women, a power like that... and so on.. I spent the next ten seconds listing out all the women I could have had as girlfriends if I'd had this power. I went so far back as to my sixth grade teacher, Mrs. Butler. (Yeah, she was hot!) At the 40 second mark, my rational side kicked in and stopped the whole mental rant with two questions.

"Isn't the point of music, according to you, to dance and party? Isn't that why you hate slow songs?" 

I then spent the last 5 seconds with the envy fading in my mind as my rational side brought up how BORING it would be to be up there singing the same slow songs over and over again. Not being able to do anything up tempo, to get the blood moving. And reliving all the times I performed with my bands and got that adrenaline rush when the crowd connects with the energy you throw out and the performance just intensifies taking you for a ride that no drug could EVER match.

And I came to the realization that I never really wanted the power my friend had. Getting women to melt over me, while sounding good, wasn't what I really wanted musically. I wanted the groove. I wanted the ability to start a song up and by the end have everyone on their feet dancing and moving to the music I was making. And that, I already have. After that, I enjoyed the rest of my friend's performance and rejoiced with him as all the women listening started fanning themselves and started taking deep breaths to calm down. Later on, I got up to sing. People danced. And all was right in the world!

See that's the sneaky thing about envy that they don't cover in Sunday school when they talk about Envy and the six other deadly sins. It has nothing to do with the person you're jealous of in any way. It has to do with a weakness or flaw you see in yourself. So you want the thing the other person has not because of the thing's inherent value, but because it will remove the flaw you see in yourself and restore you to the perfection you had before. A lot of people don't get over that and cause themselves, and others, a lot of pain. They never really understand that having flaws and not being perfect is a major component of what makes us human.

In the end, the only real way to get over envy is to truly understand what you want for yourself and enjoy those things with the knowledge that they are just things and not ways to fix flaws that no one else can see.

Must Post More....

A good friend of mine and an avid reader of this blog (I know! I was surprised to find I have avid readers, too!), has requested that I post more on here. Well, you have to give your audience a little of what they want or you'll lose them, so I shall endeavor to post more!

I think I have a couple of ideas on what I should do, so look for at least TWO more posts before end of day, Saturday of this week (4/13/2013).

WOO HOO!!

If you have any ideas on what you think I should write about, please let me know in the comments below!

The Walking Dead: Rick & Morgan...

So, thanks to my new job, I've been falling behind on some of my shows. One of these is The Walking Dead (TWD) . I'm still an episode behind. (I fell asleep before I could watch the season finale.) But I wanted to talk to you about one of my favorite episodes this season. The episode is called: "Clear", where the show finally answers the question that fans have been asking since the first episodes of the show: What happened to Morgan??

For those of you who don't know, TWD is a show about life after a zombie apocalypse. Based on a comic series of the same name, the story follows a band of people lead by former Sheriff Rick Grimes, who just go through from place to place trying to find some kind of life while surviving zombies. In the first episode, Rick wakes up in the hospital after being shot in the line of duty and finds himself in a zombie apocalypse. He stumbles around trying to figure out what is going on and what happened to his family and friends. He runs into a man named Morgan and his son, Duane. Morgan gives Rick the 411 on what went down, and some tips & tricks on how to survive. Rick goes on a quest to find his family but gives Morgan a radio and tells him every day at dawn, he'll turn it on and broadcast a message for them. And that was it... For awhile, they had Rick on the radio talking to Morgan, in that journal, or diary kind of way. But that was the last we saw of Morgan. Until now.

If you haven't seen the ep, DON'T READ ANY FURTHER! THERE ARE SPOILERS AHEAD!!


Okay, I want you to understand, I don't watch shows on TV. I download the shows or watch them online. So, no television promos, no "Stay tuned for scenes from our next episode"... nothing. So, I had no idea that this episode was coming until I saw the story re-cap at the beginning and they showed Rick on the radio warning Morgan to stay out of Atlanta. (Don't worry about why. That's not important.) I was COMPLETELY blindsided by this ep.

One of my favorite book series has a saying in it: "How do you hurt a man who's lost everything? Give him something broken." This episode is a PERFECT example of that. It has been three seasons, but in the show it's only been about a year since Rick woke up to a world full of zombies. But in that time, he's gone through enough crap to make any 3 people go crazy and he has been cracking. Auditory and visual hallucinations, depression, and paranoia are just the beginning of what he's been experiencing. So walking into this ep, Rick is not in a stable place mentally. A few minutes into the ep, he runs into Morgan and gets a glimpse of what's further down the road he is on.

When we last saw Morgan, he had refused to kill his zombie wife. He was too good a man, and too in love with his wife to accept the fact that she was dead. Weeks later, Morgan and his son were on a supply run and came across her. In a moment where the boy was distracted, she killed and began feeding on her own son. It was only at that moment, that Morgan was able to finally shoot her, but it was too late. His son was dead. Eaten by his own mother, a moment that was made possible because Morgan didn't shoot her previously. His son was dead because he was too weak to do what he knew he had to when the time came. That realization broke him.

And hearing Morgan tell that story to Rick's face, seeing the shame Morgan felt for being such a good person, knowing that Rick would not have made it past his first night without Morgan's kindness... it was like getting knifed in the throat while being kidney punched full force by Mike Tyson in his prime. And despite all his pain, and the despair that Rick felt, you could see that he was hurt seeing Morgan like this. To his credit, Rick did try to help Morgan, to give him something to live for again. But Morgan already had a purpose.

He wasn't going to let that moment play out again. So, his purpose now: To Clear; To get rid of all the zombies everywhere. He no longer wanted, or deserved (in his own mind, anyway) anyone's help. In order to make up for the one time he didn't pull the trigger, he has to now kill all the zombies. And as Rick drives away, you see Morgan piling up his latest kills and getting ready to burn them.

The funny thing is, you would think that seeing Morgan like this would be the final nail in Rick's sanity. That not being able to reach Morgan and get him to accept help would shatter Rick's fragile psyche, but it didn't. In fact, it had the opposite effect. It seemed to have brought Rick out of the comfortable shell his insanity was building for him and reignited some spark of hope. Or at the very least, the will to resist.

And that is true irony in this ep. In Morgan's refusal to be the good man he once was, and resigning himself to the penance he thinks he deserves, he commits one "final" act in the vein of the man he was. The same act, in fact, that he did in the beginning of the show:

 He saves Rick Grimes.

Life Notes: Current News

Hello, my dear readers, here is an update on what's going on in my life. Due to budget constraints, I am no longer working at The GEM Group in Lawrence, MA. The parting was amicable, if a bit tearful. I really liked the people I worked with while I was there. That particular job ended on Dec 28th.

I spent 2 months unemployed...

Then I got another job as a Jr. Web Developer for The Aberdeen Group in Boston, MA! I'm at the tail end of my 3rd week here and I like this place! It's fun. I'm actually writing code again! Of course, with every great thing, there has to be a catch. And in this case, it's the commute. Getting from Manchester, NH to Boston, MA and back every day is NO JOKE. It's a 2-2.5 hour journey each way. And it's not just driving either! I drive from Manchester to Lawrence, MA (30-45min). Then I get the commuter rail train from Lawrence, to Boston (45min + 15min wait time) and then I take a shuttle from North Station to my job. At night, I get to do the whole thing again! Only in REVERSE!!! Man, does that suck!

I find that I'm always tired now. It's getting better, but my sleep schedule hasn't quite completely adjusted yet, so I'm still getting tired spots at random times during the day. But it's getting better. Right now, I'm looking for a place back in Lawrence, MA. This would reduce my commute to just about an hour long train ride. I would move closer to Boston, but the closer you get to the city, the higher the rent is. For the same price, I can get one bedroom in a 3 bedroom apt with 2 strangers in Boston, or an ENTIRE two bedroom apt in Lawrence. What would YOU choose?

So, I'm currently pooling money for first, last and security deposit, so when I find a place I can just plop the money down and move in with no hassles. (If you're in the Lawrence/Methuen area, let me know if you know any good places!)

In the meantime, I'm doing my thing. Working to catch up on my bills and save $ for moving.

Thoughts On... PS4

Okay, I just finished watching the live stream of Sony's PlayStation Meeting 2013, which was basically the official reveal of the PlayStation 4. (Good bye Orbis!) They covered a lot of ground and if you're into gaming at all, I'm sure you have TONS of gaming websites that will go over every single minute detail of the stream, so I won't go into any detail. Plus, I'm not a reporter so I have no idea how to properly cover an event like this. What I will do is give you my impression of the meeting. And I can do it in a word: EXCITING!

So here are the broad strokes: They covered the machine specs of the console, debuted the final version of the PS4 Dualshock controller, talked about the overall design philosophy behind the PS4's creation, They had some game demos, some engine demos, and a couple of major announcements.

I like the new DualShock 4 controller. It looks wider, which is awesome cause I have HUGE hands. The drawback is that with the new Touchpad on the controller, I might have issues accessing features of the game by accident. I guess we'll have to see. They also integrated the PlayStation "Move" tech into the controller now, which I find.. interesting. It looks like they got rid of the "Start" and "Select" buttons, but I like the idea of the "Share" button. Which brings us to the philosophy of the PS4.

Despite the awesome technical stuff discussed and displayed at the meeting, I found myself most captivated by the philosophy of the PS4. The Lead PS4 system architect, Mark Cerny, stated that the development of the next gen console started 5 years ago, but they seemed to have tapped into a lot of really current ideas. Some stuff was expected, like game integration across all types of devices. (The DriveClub segment covered some interesting ideas on that front with the idea of racing in teams, and using apps to affect other parts of the game or create challenges for others to play.) What was most interesting for me is the idea of social integration into what Cerny called "the PlayStation ecosystem".

I like the idea of being able to easily share videos of my game play with friends (Most likely to help me out with whatever part I can't seem to beat), play games while they are downloading, and testing out games without downloading or paying for them. (That little tidbit was the only part of the whole conference that referred in any way to money. Again, interesting.) The coolest part was being to be a spectator, and watch the games my friends are playing (if they are broadcasting) and possibly jump in and help. For someone who is a hermit, I was actually impressed with the social media aspects of the PS4.

The game demos were cool. I'm loving "Watch_Dogs" more every time I see it. And, it looks like it will be available for PS3 and PS4. There's a new KillZone game coming for the PS4 which looked pretty awesome. Actually, so did the next Infamous game, Second Son. I was impressed with "The Witness" an upcoming puzzle game which reminded me a lot of Myst. But what really impressed me weren't the game demos per se, but the details in what I was seeing.

I have a background in computer programming, not game programming exactly, but I know about writing software. And as a developer myself, I know how difficult certain things are to create. I was truly amazed at the level of detail displayed in the game demos, but more in the ENGINE demos. The level of power to create such believable real time lighting effects while handling things like millions of particles flying around AND handling character movement and animation is simply astonishing.  Quantic Dream really FLOORED me with their new engine. I also LOVED Capcom's "Deep Down" demo. Again, the handling of the particulates was fantastic, but what really got me was the dragon fire. The flame was so fluid, and smooth; it was impressive.

There were several announcements, but the biggest one was the at the very end. The PS4 is coming for the holidays 2013. What they DIDN'T say is for how much. Or what the PS4 actually look like. All in all, the live stream was 2 hours of interesting stuff, and what they covered was interesting. And what they DIDN'T cover was also interesting. It looks like E3 is going to be a major battleground this year. As for this year's holidays, we'll see if I can afford to get a PS4. I might wait awhile on that.

If you saw the live stream, my dear readers, what did YOU think??

Thoughts On... The Best Kiss Of My Life (so far)

I don't know about you, my dear readers, but at the beginning of every new year, I find myself looking back on things. Not really for nostalgia purposes, although that does come into play a little bit, but more for life assessment on the order of "this is where I am, and that's how I got here". It comes in really handy for planning goals and the like for the upcoming year. At any rate, this particular post is about one distinctly interesting trip down memory lane I took after a discussion I had at a party I attended recently, with a friend on the topic of kissing. She was semi-drunk and doing most of the talking. I was mostly just trying to keep her from falling over.

After she passed out, I found myself thinking of the relatively small amount of romantic kissing I've done, what was MY greatest kiss? It turns out that the award for single best kiss of my life (so far) goes to my first girlfriend, Amanda. No, it wasn't our first kiss. That would just be too trite. Actually, this story is about a random kiss somewhere in the first month that Amanda (or Manne, as she liked to be called back then) and I were together. No, this kiss was special for a different reason. But first some background info: As you know my dear readers, I've always regarded my mind as my most precious resource.

One of my mind's greatest talents (and flaws from a certain viewpoint) is the ability to keep track of many different thought processes simultaneously. The drawback to this talent is that, at times, I find it difficult to keep focus on a single task due to all the competing and conflicting ideas floating in my head, vying for my attention. To be honest, a good portion of the women I meet I can't interact with because they just can't hold my interest. But Amanda was different, she was smart, creative, goofy and beautiful. Looking back on it now, our relationship was MAJORLY dysfunctional, but at the time it was awesome!!

Anyways, back to the story: One of my favorite places to hang out in college was this lounge area in McCullough Hall that was just past the main hall/stage area. There were some very comfortable chairs and a huge TV there. One day, I was hanging in the lounge and Amanda happened to be walking by, saw me, and came over to talk. As all new couples do, within a few minutes we were kissing. We had kissed before and it had been awesome. Electric, even. But this time it was different.

Our lips met, and my mind shut down. There were no other thoughts, there was no alternate ideas, no random problems from schoolwork that I was still trying to solve. My mind was perfectly still and in the moment. And all of my considerable intellect was focused on her. Her taste, her scent, the warmth of her breath, her hair brushing against my face; every aspect of my mind was taken up with her. Nothing else existed. The truth of reality at that instant was that she and I were the only occupants of the universe. It was with that kiss that I knew not only that I loved her (which wasn't really anything new, I had been in love with other women before), but that she loved me in return. (THAT was the part that was new. No one had EVER loved me BACK before her).

In real time, the kiss lasted maybe a minute. Ninety seconds at the longest. Subjectively, that kiss lasted for hours. Eventually, we came up for air. She had to go somewhere and said good bye. And that was it. The single best kiss of my life so far. As of this blog post, I've only ever had two girlfriends. The interesting part is that I had a similar experience with my next girlfriend. It wasn't nearly as powerful as it was with Amanda, but strong enough that I think that's my sign.

If I kiss a girl and feel anywhere close to the way I felt during that kiss with Amanda, I am sure that we are in love.

Top 5... Hottest Asian Actresses

I was sitting at McDonalds with one of my roommates passing the time until they stopped serving breakfast. As is the norm with us, we started coming up with "top 5" lists: top five movies, top five video games moments, top five hottest actresses, etc.  When we both came up with the hottest actresses list, I noticed that there weren't very many Asian actresses on the list.

Before I could say another word, I was taken in by the Asian Equality Agency. After the AEA agents had tortured me for hours, I finally broke and agreed to rectify my slight against the Asian peoples and create a top 5 list of the hottest Asian actresses. They released me, letting me know in no uncertain terms, that my release was contingent upon creating the list and publishing it here on my blog immediately!! Since, I don't want to go to prison, here is my top 5 hottest Asian list for your viewing pleasure!

5) Lucy Liu

The first time I remember seeing this gorgeous little fireball was in Payback. Later she became famous for her role in Ally McBeal, and now she graces us with her beauty every week as Joan Watson on Elementary! Crime solving never looked so good!! 









4) Ziyi Zhang

Like everyone else, I first saw Ziyi Zhang in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. At 21, she was beautiful. Now, she's heartrendingly gorgeous!!!








3) Maggie Q

I first noticed Maggie Q thanks to Die Hard 4. And I mean that sincerely, THANK YOU producers of DH4! And now that she's on Nikita, I get to watch her hotness every week!









2) Moon Bloodgood

I first saw Moon Bloodgood on this little known TV series called Daybreak and I was instantly smitten with her casual smoldering hotness!








1) Kelly Hu

Even though, she had a pretty good career in TV before this, I first saw Kelly Hu in The Scorpion King. And she was simply delicious then and is even MORE so, now. She had a guest appearance on Castle recently, and she is just as alluring as ever!











And there you are, my dear readers. (Pay attention AEA, I have complied! No prison for me!!!) My top 5 hottest Asian actresses. What do you think of my list? Sound off in the comments below!!

I just love, love, LOVE me some Kelly Hu!