Thursday, January 31, 2013

My Headspace...

It's been a long time since I've posted on the blog. I'm not going to apologize for it, but I can explain. Despite having the free time again, I have been feeling... not lost, but adrift. There is no motivation. No enthusiasm. No energy to do anything. It's like I'm unplugged from everything around me.

I go through the motions, say the right things, react the right way, but there's mostly just emptiness. There are moments when things seem normal, but the moments pass and I'm right back to the emptiness. One manifestation of that is the lack of ideas for writing posts for this blog. Hell, I've barely even LOOKED at this site for weeks. And when the ideas do come, I just write them down on a piece of paper or some text file on my phone or PC and then forget about it. Or maybe a quick little status update on Facebook, but nothing more. The interest just wasn't there.

I started this blog three years ago (Wow, three years??) because I wanted a forum where I could talk about things that interested me in a more full, and permanent way than just a quick FaceBook or MySpace status update. But what happens when I don't care enough to say anything about anything? Just look at the numbers. Last year I posted about 50 times on here. The year before was double that number, 2 years ago was TRIPLE. Am I just not caring about blogging? I don't think so, because I still write down ideas for blog posts. I just don't actually WRITE the posts. It seems the interest is there, but something is in the way. Or more accurately, the spark is there, but the flame never ignites.

Is this what is classified as depression? Or just obsessive boredom? Is there such a thing as "obsessive boredom"?

I try to connect, to plug back into life, but I find it difficult to care about others the way I used to. Back when I felt that I was the one who had to help everyone. I think it's called a "hero complex" or something similar. I used to believe it was an extension of being the eldest of my siblings. Being the responsible one for my family made sense of my life, and I pushed that out to everyone that I encountered. There was some "evidence" to support the theory, friends and family who had gone off the rails after I stopped being in regular contact with them. However, looking back on it now, I have to admit that it was just an empty measure of arrogance. People are responsible for their own lives. It's not MY job to help anyone but myself. Even those I care about (what few remain) are not mine to support. If they ask, I can, but it's not my CAREER, or main purpose in LIFE.

But without the philosophy of "I'm the eldest so I'm responsible", what else is there?

Some would say romance, but that has never worked for me. For whatever reason, I don't connect with the fairer sex. Not that I can't. Most of the women I know think I'm an amazing man, but I don't connect with women the right way to make romance work. I think mostly it has to do with the fact that I am most comfortable alone. But that's a tired topic, and I don't want to get into it yet again.

Some would say work, but that's not really an option. I'm currently unemployed again. Most of my jobs have lasted for about 2 years, so there really isn't an sense of stability there either.

Some would say friends, but all my friends are living their lives. Most are married, some even have kids. They are moving forward, realizing their goals. Their lives are full, there's no room for someone who is locked in stasis.

To be honest, I'm surprised that I'm writing this post at all. Maybe I'm coming out of it. Maybe my penchant for analysis is helping me break this in some way...

Maybe this is just another step into the emptiness.

Maybe this is just a symptom of being up at this late hour... Now I'm just rambling... Good night, my dear readers. I hope to post something more interesting next time.

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