Thoughts On.... Unemployment

I started this year unemployed and depressed. The thing about unemployment that no one mentions is that after a little while, you get USED to being unemployed. And that's when the rot starts setting in.

Becoming unemployed is always unpleasant. Unless you're leaving work cause you won the lottery (which is a bonehead move anyway), you're gonna feel depressed, rejected, and despairing about your future. How will you survive? What will you do? This fuels a desperate, frantic job search. You email resumes everywhere, you become a master at writing in-depth cover letters in a blink of an eye, but your efforts are for naught. The vast machine of employment in the country responds to your actions with a deafening silence.

A little while after being laid off/fired (or quitting, if that's what you did), life starts to feel like a vacation. You get to sleep in. The pressure of overbearing bosses is gone. The stress of meeting deadlines evaporates. It feels so good you can almost convince yourself that you pulled the wool over everyone's eyes and have actually IMPROVED your life. As time passes, and your unemployment continues, that illusion fades.

Your friends have no time for you. They still have to get to work in the morning. Your severance pay is exhausted with the bills that you still have to pay. Unemployment insurance barely allows you to live. You spend the bulk of your days looking at job postings you don't have a prayer of qualifying for, but you apply anyway. Pandora's cruelest gift, Hope, driving you forward. You hope for a miracle. You hope that someone, somewhere wants to talk to you. You hope that you'll get a call, or get an appointment for an interview. And until then..

you wait.

Thoughts On... Marriage (old essay)

Old essay, I punched up the writing a little.
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For a great many reasons, I am a rarity in the human male population. One of these reasons is that I believe in marriage. I see myself, at some point in the future, finding an insane woman, signing her out of the asylum and getting married. Granted, part of that has to do with my upbringing, since family is a core belief in the Dominican culture. But, a much larger part is based on my own ideas and opinions. Unlike most people, I've actually spent time thinking about what the word "marriage" means to me. Including things like what I'm supposed to do as part of my responsibilities as a husband, what I believe a wife should do as part of her responsibilities, when I think a relationship is at the point where marriage is a viable option, etc. That being said, I don't think that marriage is the end all and be all of relationships. In fact, most relationships should never go into marriage. It is my personal belief that the main reason why divorce rates are so high is that people are getting into marriage without any thought as to the consequences of that decision.

But the question I find most interesting is, why do so many people, both men AND women believe marriage is so important? Think about it. As a species, humans rarely agree on anything in a majority. Yet EVERY SINGLE culture on the planet has some form of marriage contract. Chinese, Latin, Muslim, Hindi, Palestinian. All of them have some way of two people bonding themselves to each other for the duration of their lives. The details are different, but all of them have it! Even people who don't personally think that marriage is for them respect the belief and give the institution itself a measure of respect. Why? What is it about the concept of marriage that carries such weight with people? And before you start trying to answer that question, think about it for a moment.

What exactly is marriage? What are the tangible facets of a marriage? For the purposes of this essay, I'm going with the traditional American wedding rituals, like the rings. Traditionally, there are three rings involved with a wedding: the diamond engagement ring and two gold wedding bands. If one listens to the typical marriage ceremony, the rings are supposed to represent the quality of the love between the bride & groom. More specifically the basic shape of the ring, a circle, is the actual symbol. With no beginning, the circle has always been in existence just like the love between the bride & groom. With no end, the circle continues for eternity, again just like the love between bride & groom. The language is usually flowery and inspirational. But there was a time when the groom did not know the bride, so their love has an origin. And given the 50% (and climbing) divorce rate just in THIS country alone, married love ends. This is also made much more interesting when one considers the fact that the rings are in fact remnants of the "good old days" when women had no legal rights and her existence depended solely upon whom she married. Not to mention that during this time marriage actually meant a man taking possession of a woman as his bride, sometimes in shackles. Over the course of time, the shackles morphed into the wedding rings. Think about it, ever wonder why the guy doesn't have to wear an engagement ring? (I'm also not going to go into the blood diamonds used in the engagement rings, that's a whole other discussion outside the scope of this essay.)

Then there's the marriage certificate, a piece of paper with ink on it. This paper informs the state and federal governments that you and your bride are now to be regarded as a single unit, much like a corporation. And due to that, the government gives this new entity some legal benefits in exchange for some other drawbacks. And speaking of pieces of paper with ink on them, there's a recent addition to the pantheon of marriage facets: the prenuptial agreement. This piece of paper is a binding promise that says if the "always existing and eternal" love stops existing and dies, the dissolution of the union will follow a previously agreed upon path. It is most interesting to consider that a ceremony which has "till death do us part" as its preferred ending, also has an insurance policy just in case the preferred ending doesn't come to pass. Plus, given that the United States prides itself in maintaining a separation of church and state, what is the logic of announcing to the state that you are going through a ritual that is almost universally regarded as a religious ceremony? And if you don't believe me, ask your nearest gay couple about the difference between a civil union & a marriage.

Last, there's the actual ceremony which boils down to rounding up a group of people, a short walk through the crowd, a lecture by some official, a conversation ending in a reiteration of a promise the couple made when they decided to exclusively be with each other, and then another short walk through the same crowd to a party. Afterwards, you're married. The only physical difference is now you're forced to wear a ring. What else has changed in your life? You're now in debt up to $30K to cover the wedding, rings, and dress. Aside from the legal benefits and drawbacks, that's it.

With an ever increasing majority, by the time a couple is ready to get married, they have been living together for several years. They have been intimate with each other and have promised to keep those activities reserved exclusively for themselves and no other people. And the couple has agreed to stay together. After the marriage ceremony, they're still living together. They're still exclusive to each other in terms of physical intimacy. The agreement to remain together is also still in effect. So, what has actually changed now that the marriage ceremony has taken place?

Some of the defenders of marriage talk about how marriage is a promise to be together forever, choosing someone as your partner for the balance of your life. Where before the ceremony, the promise was just to be together unless something changes. The promise made within a marriage modifies the original promise by locking the union down permanently, making the promise be "together forever" as opposed to "together as long as we can stand it". The problem with that particular argument is the concept of divorce. Think about it, you get married and then if things aren't working out, get divorced. Which essentially changes the promise in a marriage from "together forever" BACK to "together as long as we can stand it". Where's the change that getting married brings then?

Others say that marriage is about being placed together in the eyes of God. (The existence of God is beyond the scope of this essay, so I will stipulate for the purposes of this essay that God exists.) Here is where things get extremely interesting. For all the religious and spiritual folk out there, go back and re-read the part of your bibles about marriage. You'll find there that the exchanging of rings isn't important to God. The same goes for the marriage certificate, prenuptial agreement, the wedding ceremony, the vows, or the kiss at the end. The act that places a couple together in the eyes of our Lord and Savior, is the sex the couple has on the wedding night. Everything else is just trappings for the people. And the wedding night isn't necessary either. The FIRST TIME the couple have sex, they are married in the eyes of God. So, did you take your lover for a test drive last night? Well, guess what, you're now married in the eyes of the Lord! Congratulations!! Again, the question: what is the change that marriage brings? Why is marriage necessary and important? Why is the ceremony needed?

Still others say that marriage is just an end to the relentless and draining world of dating. My question is: if you don't want to keep dating people because of the stress... WHY NOT STOP DATING? Don't pick someone and get married. Take some time for yourself! Enjoy being alone! Plus, there are many folks out there that, for one reason or another, jump from one failed marriage to another, which brings marriage down to another form of serialized dating. Still no real changes that can be attributed to marriage.

While a portion of those reading this will attribute my questions to typical male hesitance to being married (despite the first paragraph in this essay), the part that is really interesting is that is seems that society may start to be seeing things in a different light. In my reading on the internet, I have come across several studies that show that marriage rates are starting to drop in this country (presumably, with a corresponding drop in divorce rates) in favor of just living together. Most of the studies have attributed the drop to changing views on the roles of men and women in society and the subsequent shift in how they relate to each other in every part of life. The blurring of the borders and erasing of gender roles has dropped the importance of marriage significantly. It is my belief that in addition to the societal changes, a great many people have been witness to failed marriages, and the confidence society has had in the institution of marriage has been shaken and is crumbling.

With all this, one might ask why I believe in marriage. The fact that I could write this essay is conclusive proof of my disillusionment with the institution of marriage. So, how could I be so disillusioned and still maintain belief? That's easy. I value marriage for different reasons than most. I value the choice. Most people believe that when the bride and groom say "I do", the choice of marriage is over. That is not true. Every day, when you wake up in the morning, you make the same choice. You choose to stay, to deal with the problems, to suffer the hardships, to enjoy the rewards, and to reap the benefits. From the moment you choose to ask that special someone, you made a conscious choice to alter the future of your life. Through a sheer effort of will, you are altering not only your future, but the future of one other person who agreed to join you on this path. This is an amazing thing for me. I am a big proponent for free will and I am always awed and humbled by the power that choice has over the lives of people.

And wearing the wedding ring is a silent sign of that choice. I see someone with that ring, and it's a token of personal power for the wearer. They made the choice. They had the strength to take life into their hands and wrest from it what they want. That's why I believe in marriage. That's why I take it seriously. And that's why I am so critical of it. Something with that much power is worth examining and should be constantly scrutinized. Thoughts?

Thoughts On... Love (old essay)

Again, here's an old essay I wrote, that I fixed up the writing. Thoughts? Comments?
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At some point in their lives, every single human on the planet comes up with a definition of love. Some people think it over, others use their own personal experiences, and still others just develop an idea of it as their ambitions take them down the fast track of their lives. In the end, every one has their own definition of love. The problem with that is that love usually deals with two people being involved with each other, trying to show that they love each other with all they have. But when those two people are operating with two vastly different definitions of love, problems are born. The thing is most people don’t sit down and think about what they believe love should be and more importantly, why they feel that way about love. So as their lover asks questions in an attempt to figure out how to make them happy, they are incapable of explaining how they feel because the words just aren’t there. Due to my personal interests, experiences, and lifestyle, I HAVE thought about this particular topic and in an effort to get YOU to think about it, I’ll give you MY definition of what love should be. If you agree, then you can use my words as your own. If not, now you have something to start with.

Love, in its best form, enhances your strengths and renders your weaknesses obsolete. When I think of love, the image that comes to mind is two walls leaning against each other. I know, I know. Not exactly a romantic picture, but there's more to it than immediately comes to mind. In this metaphor, each wall represents a person. Just as a person, the wall has strengths and weaknesses.

Many people believe that they have a soul-mate, some perfect person, out there waiting for them, in order to make them complete. But if you think about that statement, romantic as it sounds, there are errors in it. Are these people saying that they (and by supposition, everyone else) are fractional people, that they are not whole and are dependent on some other fractional person to make themselves cohesive and effective? Can you imagine, dear reader, what that world would be like? Half-people walking around like zombies, not being able to do anything until they are completed by some other half-person.

Looking at it from the point of view of my metaphor, what kind of strength does a wall have if it's full of gaps & holes? How can it stand up to the trials & stresses of this world? Thank you, Jerry Maguire, but I find that belief idiotic. I prefer to see everyone out there as a full person, "actual and whole" (thank you Captain Reynolds) with all the attendant pleasures and pains. And that doesn’t go away or change just because you fall in love with someone. It’s a time tested fact that there is strength in numbers. You can look at any type of warfare or any assessment of computing technology for proof. Keeping that in mind, what sounds stronger and more capable to endure the trials and tribulations of life in the world of today, dear reader, a fusion of two halves into a single whole being attacked from all sides or two individuals standing together backing each other up? That's why my metaphor has TWO walls leaning against each other, you don't stop being an independent person when you fall in love.

And let's not forget that love (and a relationship) happens over time. Which is why I’ve always found it hilarious when people who believe their lovers "complete" them say later on down the line, "They’re just not the person I fell in love with." Of course not! Over the course of their relationship to you, they’ve fused with you to become something else! Everything that made them (and by supposition, YOU) interesting and different, not to mention appealing, is gone and you willingly participated in its destruction. Now, here’s a question to all of you out there waiting for someone to "complete" you. Assume, for a moment, you find someone to complete you. What happens when your "other half" is taken away, as in a car accident? Do you revert into this half person, forever doomed to being an ineffectual zombie since your soul-mate is no longer part of this world? How are you to survive? There’s no one else to save you and make you complete since you only have the ONE soul-mate, right? What then?

This brings us to another aspect of my metaphor: there are two SEPARATE walls working together to stay up. I’m sorry, but I’d prefer to rest assured in whatever afterlife there is that my lover will survive and move on without me. The only way to do that is to make sure she has a life separate from me that can sustain her through the pain of my death, and allow her to heal and move on to the next man she chooses to be in her life, if that’s the path she takes. That is something that only an individual can do, not a fractional person. The question is then, how does that work in the day to day dealings of a relationship? That part is easy. Make sure that no matter how close the two of you get, there is something that THE BOTH OF YOU HAVE that is independent of the other. They have their love of performing jazz music and you have your love of working on cars or something. Does that mean you can’t participate in your lover’s interest? Of course not, show up at their jazz gigs and let them know it’s okay for them to ask you to work on their sister’s car. But don’t take up saxophone and insert yourself into their band or let them start reading up on cars and helping you out. The idea is that while the two of you are going to be sharing the bulk of your time and activities, there should be some things in your life that are just YOURS and same goes for your lover.

At the end of the day, you want to see your lover happy and they want you to be happy. Not because of some magical altruistic quality that love imbues the both of you with, but because, at its best, love is a form of enlightened self-interest. You want your lover to be happy because it makes YOU happy to see them that way and vice versa. Basically, you’re doing it to make YOURSELF happy. Think about the two walls for a sec. If you’re wall A and you’re interested in staying up, you’ll do whatever you can to make sure wall B is at it’s best since they’re holding you up. The best part? Wall B is thinking the same thing about you. Now, developing your own interests (or maintaining ones you had before the two of you got together) does give you things that your lover can take away. And because you love them, you’d stop those interests, but because they’re interested in you being happy, they won’t ask that of you and vice versa. It’s a choice the both of you make in order to make each other happy. And that brings me to my next point.

Love, in its most enduring form, happens because two people choose to be together. It’s a wonderful thing, and it should happen more often. But love is a human conceit and like all things human, it is mortal and can die if not maintained. (The tried and true method to kill love? Apathy. It takes time, but it’s 100% effective.) It starts with the choice of the two of you wanting to be with one another. Then it continues with you saying every day, all day, that you STILL want to be with this person. Out of all the options available to you, staying with your lover is what you DESIRE. It’s not something you need, like food or air. Romantic as it might sound to tell someone that your love for them is the food of your life, that also means that your love for them is crap that you flush down the toilet. Does that still seem romantic? Not to mention the fact that "need" has a nasty habit of turning into "obsession", and that is no longer love. Glenn Close did not love Michael Douglas at the end of Fatal Attraction. She was obsessed.

Staying with your lover because you desire to also helps reinforce the individuality of both you AND your lover, because both of you are mutually desirous of being together. As a fringe benefit, it also gives you a way out of the relationship. When either you or your lover don’t desire to be together, walk away. Several friends of mine have asked me what I would do if I found out my lover was cheating on me. My answer is really simple. I would ask her to choose who she wants to be with, right then and there. If she chooses the other person, I’ll let her go. If she chooses me, we work together to find out what was wrong that led her to cheat and fix it. No games, and no drama. Why? Because as the object of my love, I want my lover to be happy. That doesn’t necessarily mean that she’ll be happy WITH ME. That’s where the ENLIGHTENED part of enlightened self-interest kicks in. I can’t say it’s easy, but it IS simple.

Throughout this essay, I’ve made references to the "forms" of love. That’s because there isn’t just one kind of love. The point of this essay is romantic love, but a great deal of the points I’ve made here work towards all other types of love. Most people have an idea of the different types of love: the love a parent has for a child, the love someone has for their siblings, the love someone has for their friends, etc. But few think about the different forms each of those types of love can take.

For example, there’s "tough love", where someone forsakes a measure of closeness to harden the person they love in order to prepare them for a harsh world. Or "fairy tale love", where nothing else matters but that the two lovers are together, everything else will take care of itself as long as they stay together. This is a type of love that can never exist in the real world, but can provide an exceedingly effective respite from a bad situation. Other forms of love include: un-requited love, where you’re in love with someone who doesn’t share that love. (My speciality!) Sacrificial love, when you give up yourself and your desires and ambitions for the one you love. This is most often what feeds parental love, but other types of love use this form as well. Jealous love, where someone chooses to make sure the person they love is isolated from any threats to that love. Zealous love, where someone subsumes their interests and beliefs in the interests and beliefs of the one they love. And there are more out there.

Love is extremely complex, and I am by no means an expert on the subject. But, if you’re in a relationship or thinking about getting into one, I do recommend you think about what love means to you and make sure you communicate that to your lover. And if you don’t know what love is to you, start with this question: do you agree with this essay? Why or why not?