I mentioned in my last entry that I haven't been in a good headspace lately. And it's true. The Year Of The Geek hasn't been good to me so far. First, it was my unemployment and all the worries that it brings. Then losing my car.
Now, I am employed. When I first got the phone call that told me I had a job, I was ELATED. I was no longer a failure. I was no longer doomed to live on the streets with nothing to show for my efforts in life. Then, my mind worked through the elation and started looking at the reality of what I was getting into. My new job gave me the same amount of money as my unemployment check. It wasn't the deliverance or salvation I wanted. And, it added problems I didn't have while unemployed. How do I get to work? How do I get home?
Then the pressures of life that had given me a wide berth returned twice as strong. Can I survive on the pay? Can I cover my responsibilities? This job pays just a sliver above my unemployment, will I lose my apartment? If I can't make rent on time, I'll lose my home. With nowhere to live, and no way to get to work, I'll lose the job.
Should I stay? There are people depending on me. Will I serve them better by moving back to MA and looking there for work?? Leaving here would mean walking away from this job. Where would I live if I go back to MA? How would I get an apartment with no job? This job is the only thing holding me here in Manchester. I have NO SUPPORT here whatsoever. Are my chances truly better in MA as opposed to here? How would I get a job with no car?
Then there's the pressures of the new job. Nervousness swells into fear. Fear that I'll be homeless, that I'll compromise myself and lose the job. Fear that those who depend on me will falter and their lives will break because my support isn't there. The fear keeps me awake, diminishing my performance at work bringing my fears closer to reality.
Then there's the fear of the future. Is this job going to be what I do? Sitting in a cubicle answering phones, repeating the same words with slight variations over & over into the ears of a plethora of strangers with no hope of creativity? Have I reached the potential of my life? Is this all I can accomplish?
And time passes. The first two weeks of my employment are nothing but a blur of fear, despair, anxiety, and depression. Valentine's day, normally a yearly bane to my existence, barely registered on me this year. I stopped talking to friends, and couldn't bring myself to take part in my favorite activities. And THAT'S where my head has been in recent times. Thankfully, the chaotic conflagration of emotions that has battered against my sanity has ebbed. If it hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to write this post. Ironically, the real world that threatened my sanity, comes to my rescue.
In debating my issues, and chewing over my problems, it occurs to me that even in the midst of my personal turmoil, I still managed to make it to work on time for the past 2 weeks. Somehow the grip fear had on me snapped, and I was able to sleep. I discharged the duties of my position and helped people get online to accomplish whatever they needed to get done.
My problems were still there. The doubts hadn't lessened, and yet I was still able to get shit done. My situation hasn't changed, yet I don't feel so daunted any more. Not only will I endure this, but I know I am CAPABLE of enduring my situation. And I also know that when my chance comes, I'll be ready.