Friday, January 9, 2015

Thoughts On... Unrequited Love

I remember coming across a version of Aphrodite (Greek goddess of love) that was a pretty vindictive bitch at times. When asked how she could justify her recent bitchy behavior given the fact that she's the goddess of love, she replied, "There are many types of love, including jealousy, unrequited, obsession, and even narcissism. I have to represent all of them." (Not sure if I'm getting the quote right, but it gets my point across.) It seems like Unrequited Love (UL) is the hardest to get over because it affects you on two different levels.

The first being the actual emotions you're living with that you have to get over. Like any other chemical addiction, getting over UL is a long and painful process. The second is the dream. The life & love you imagined would take place once the one you loved agreed to be with you because they felt the same way. While not as physically painful (after all, it is just an idea in your head), this second level is the harder of the two to get rid of because literally ANYTHING can trigger a trip down the rabbit hole of the dream. Over the course of my life, UL is the type of love I have encountered more than any other. In fact, I'm trying to get over it right now. Hence, this post.

I fell for a girl that is completely wrong for me. (Ain't that always the way it is?) She fell on hard times and I ended up playing host for her for about a month. During that time, I got to see her every day. What started out as just physical attraction, on my part, turned into affection and then into love. She, of course, was involved with someone else and remained completely faithful to him. And I got to spend the better part of a month in an all too familiar hell.

Now, I'm in a new location and away from her. But still the emotions remain. I was hoping that this was just a simple infatuation. That with a couple days of solitude, my feelings would go away. But they remain. I know that she is completely wrong for me. We are a completely bad match. Different intelligence levels, different maturity levels, vastly conflicting emotional baggage and mental issues all are obvious proof that she and I would NEVER work together and I would be MISERABLE with her.

And yet, I find myself reliving New Year's Eve where she was drunk enough to sit in my lap and caress my cheek as we awaited the arrival of 2015. I keep replaying the moment when she told me she was happy being there with me. In fact, she was much happier being there with me than she would have been had she spent the night with her boyfriend, she whispered to me as she snuggled in closer to me.

A friend of mine told me that when you love someone, you love everything about them. The good AND the bad. The way I feel right now, I do believe I am still in love with her. But, I'm trying to get over her. I sit here typing this post out (hoping for some kind of online therapy), my eyes filled with unshed tears, trying to get over this feeling. Trying to get back to some kind of even keel, and failing miserably.

My friends and roommates can see something is wrong. They try to help, but their efforts don't really work. A brief moment of laughter doesn't really make this twisted knot in my chest go away. And what's worse is, two of my roommates are starting to fall for each other. Being on the outside of it, it's so easy to see happening and I am happy for them. I really am. But it also serves as a reminder of the pain I'm trying to get over and it just makes me feel worse. And then on top of that, I feel bad because I'm not happier for them. It's a vicious cycle, and I don't know how to get out of it.

I'm someone who's prone to depression. (I should really get myself a psychiatrist.) It's always taken a large portion of mental energy to maintain a semblance of a good mood for people. The normal stresses of life, stress at work, and my recent move to Nashua have drained me. I don't have the emotional energy to maintain the normal face of being in a good mood. And it's going to get worse as we get closer to Valentine's Day. People wonder why I hate that day. This RIGHT HERE is why. And the season has already started. Candies and pink, frilly things have already started showing up in stores. It's not even February yet.

The only solace I have are my movies & TV shows (which help a little, but spending so much time alone causes my roommates and friends to worry), and the knowledge that I've been through this many times before. I endured then, I can endure now. Like I said earlier in this post, the type of love I have the most experience with is Unrequited Love. But each time I walk this path, it gets harder and harder.

Taking stock of my life so far (as people are wont to do in the beginning of a new year), I find that about 80% of the emotional pain and depression I've experience in my life has come when I try to connect with the opposite sex. I'm starting to think I should just walk away from the whole thing, it's a lot less painful.

What do you think, my dear readers? Ever felt the sting of Unrequited Love? Sound off in the comments.

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