Headspace...

I mentioned in my last entry that I haven't been in a good headspace lately. And it's true. The Year Of The Geek hasn't been good to me so far. First, it was my unemployment and all the worries that it brings. Then losing my car.

Now, I am employed. When I first got the phone call that told me I had a job, I was ELATED. I was no longer a failure. I was no longer doomed to live on the streets with nothing to show for my efforts in life. Then, my mind worked through the elation and started looking at the reality of what I was getting into. My new job gave me the same amount of money as my unemployment check. It wasn't the deliverance or salvation I wanted. And, it added problems I didn't have while unemployed. How do I get to work? How do I get home?

Then the pressures of life that had given me a wide berth returned twice as strong. Can I survive on the pay? Can I cover my responsibilities? This job pays just a sliver above my unemployment, will I lose my apartment? If I can't make rent on time, I'll lose my home. With nowhere to live, and no way to get to work, I'll lose the job.

Should I stay? There are people depending on me. Will I serve them better by moving back to MA and looking there for work?? Leaving here would mean walking away from this job. Where would I live if I go back to MA? How would I get an apartment with no job? This job is the only thing holding me here in Manchester. I have NO SUPPORT here whatsoever. Are my chances truly better in MA as opposed to here? How would I get a job with no car?

Then there's the pressures of the new job. Nervousness swells into fear. Fear that I'll be homeless, that I'll compromise myself and lose the job. Fear that those who depend on me will falter and their lives will break because my support isn't there. The fear keeps me awake, diminishing my performance at work bringing my fears closer to reality.

Then there's the fear of the future. Is this job going to be what I do? Sitting in a cubicle answering phones, repeating the same words with slight variations over & over into the ears of a plethora of strangers with no hope of creativity? Have I reached the potential of my life? Is this all I can accomplish?

And time passes. The first two weeks of my employment are nothing but a blur of fear, despair, anxiety, and depression. Valentine's day, normally a yearly bane to my existence, barely registered on me this year. I stopped talking to friends, and couldn't bring myself to take part in my favorite activities. And THAT'S where my head has been in recent times. Thankfully, the chaotic conflagration of emotions that has battered against my sanity has ebbed. If it hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to write this post. Ironically, the real world that threatened my sanity, comes to my rescue.

In debating my issues, and chewing over my problems, it occurs to me that even in the midst of my personal turmoil, I still managed to make it to work on time for the past 2 weeks. Somehow the grip fear had on me snapped, and I was able to sleep. I discharged the duties of my position and helped people get online to accomplish whatever they needed to get done.

My problems were still there. The doubts hadn't lessened, and yet I was still able to get shit done. My situation hasn't changed, yet I don't feel so daunted any more. Not only will I endure this, but I know I am CAPABLE of enduring my situation. And I also know that when my chance comes, I'll be ready.

Thoughts On.... Unemployment

I started this year unemployed and depressed. The thing about unemployment that no one mentions is that after a little while, you get USED to being unemployed. And that's when the rot starts setting in.

Becoming unemployed is always unpleasant. Unless you're leaving work cause you won the lottery (which is a bonehead move anyway), you're gonna feel depressed, rejected, and despairing about your future. How will you survive? What will you do? This fuels a desperate, frantic job search. You email resumes everywhere, you become a master at writing in-depth cover letters in a blink of an eye, but your efforts are for naught. The vast machine of employment in the country responds to your actions with a deafening silence.

A little while after being laid off/fired (or quitting, if that's what you did), life starts to feel like a vacation. You get to sleep in. The pressure of overbearing bosses is gone. The stress of meeting deadlines evaporates. It feels so good you can almost convince yourself that you pulled the wool over everyone's eyes and have actually IMPROVED your life. As time passes, and your unemployment continues, that illusion fades.

Your friends have no time for you. They still have to get to work in the morning. Your severance pay is exhausted with the bills that you still have to pay. Unemployment insurance barely allows you to live. You spend the bulk of your days looking at job postings you don't have a prayer of qualifying for, but you apply anyway. Pandora's cruelest gift, Hope, driving you forward. You hope for a miracle. You hope that someone, somewhere wants to talk to you. You hope that you'll get a call, or get an appointment for an interview. And until then..

you wait.

Life Update

It's been a little while since I've blogged. I do apologize, but I haven't been in the right headspace to blog. Now, I have to catch you up on the current events.

First off, check out my description over there on the right. Did you notice anything different?? Look again... Still no? I updated my little descriptor blurb regarding my new status. I am once again an upstanding and productive member of society! Yes, that's right folks, I found a job. Doing what?

I'm now one of the newest Level 1 Tech Support specialists for Single Digits, Inc. Sounds really important, doesn't it? Basically, I answer phones and help people connect to the internet from their hotels. Granted, it's not my IDEAL position. (that would be writing software) but it's paying the bills (barely) and learning some more detailed networking & troubleshooting can't exactly hurt.

I'm also working on learning VB.NET, which is the latest version of Visual Basic. It seems that my knowledge of VB6 isn't enough to get me a job, so I have to get "back to school", so to speak. Visual Basic 2008 (VB.NET with a friendlier title) is extremely interesting and I have some projects in mind to help me get into it. I love learning so this will be fun.

Last bit of news: one of my roommates has gone off to the Old World to explore and enjoy life. While I'm happy that she's on a new life adventure, I'm sad to see her go.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here...

I first heard about the animated version of Dante's Inferno by the purest accident. I was doing a web search and saw a link for the trailer. I watched it and was blown away! But that was nothing compared to watching the actual anime. This anime will stand as one of best features ever created.

EA tapped six of the best directors in anime to bring one of the greatest literary works of all time to life. It may have started as a mere companion piece to EA's video game, but through the talents of each director, The Animated Epic has surpassed a mere video game tie-in and become a classic itself.

The animation is nothing less than top-notch. Each of the six segments is distinct & masterfully drawn, yet they all blend virtually seamlessly to convey the power of Dante's Inferno with awe-inspiring style. Granted, the anime makes a great deal of departures from it's literary namesake. The original work was more contemplative with Dante's journey slowly opening an awareness of Dante's sins through conversations with damned souls in the nine circles and the memories these talks awaken in Dante. This adapation, however, has an exponential increase in overt violence as it focusses more on the actions Dante takes throughout his sojourn in hell and the battles he must overcome, creating demons and fights that lend themselves to a video game, but aren't part of the original poem. However, the core themes Aligheri presented in the original work still hold strong in this adaptation: Dante's recognition of his own personal sins, his eventual acceptance of his own part in causing the plight of Beatrice, the power of true repentance, and giving oneself over to will of God. These themes play a great part in the events of the anime.

The voice acting was incredible. I have to give much props to Graham McTavish who voiced Dante. It can get tiresome hearing someone yell over and over again during the course of a movie. (See Braveheart) Yet, McTavish never went over the top and kept me interested in all Dante had to say. That being said, the one who stole the show was Steve Blum, who voiced Lucifer. He put charm, anger, resentment, love, hate, and fear all in one voice. Always interesting, always powerful. The man could have read the phone book and made it compelling. It went beyond acting. In fact, I would not be surprised if he had actually been channeling the fallen angel itself.

Literary scholars and die-hard fans of Aligheri's work will find much to disect in this anime, but I see it as a fantastic introduction to the original work. Like the movie Se7en did for the seven deadly sins, The Animated Epic is a great way to introduce the themes and basic points of the original poem. A powerful first step towards further understanding Dante's Divine Comedy.

If you want to watch an all out, no holds barred, heavy-duty anime, pick up Dante's Inferno: The Animated Epic. You'll have a good time.

Vampiric Goodness!

It's getting exponentially difficult to find good vampire stories with all the vampire mania going on in Hollywood these days. Most will get one or two aspects right, but screw the pooch on all the rest. Because of this I find myself going back to my personal favorite Vamp classics. Stoker's book, Anne Rice's Chronicles, Robert Lumley's Necroscope series, etc. For film & tv, there's one series that I was reminded of just recently, and as it turns out, is back on sale on DVD. The series was a short lived one; only thirteen episodes. It was called Dark Shadows. I first heard about it when it aired on tv in the early 90's. But that's not where the Dark Shadows story begins.

Back in the 60's, the television geniuses at ABC came up with an idea for the only soap opera I would EVER consider watching. Dark Shadows had EVERYTHING, ghost stories, vampires, zombies, and even TIME TRAVEL!! I mean come on blending fantasy horror and sci-fi time travel on ONE SHOW!!! Fucking Amazing!! The only drawback was as it was a soap opera they had to have romance in it, but at least it was goth!! After seeing the 90's revival of it, I went back and checked out the original, but given the craptastic production values and what passed for acting in the 60s, I couldn't bring myself to continously watch it. But I loved the idea, and the revival in the 90s was amazing!

The portrayal of the vampire has never been static. It always reflects the deeper, darker impulses that general society only dabbles in behind closed doors. That's the point of the vampire archetype. In today's media, the vampire has lost that Victorian edge of restraint that gave the monster a sense of nobility in favor of random wanton indulgence of every desire. The interesting thing about today's vampire is the concept of the "good" vampire. Heroes like Abraham Van Helsing & Jonathan Harker have slowly been supplanted by vampire heroes like Lestat, Angel, and Blade.

Dark Shadows brought back a great many of the classic traits within the vampire archetype. The casual arrogance of the alpha vampire that gave it an air of sovereignty. The veneer of old school manner & behavior that is only matched by the awesome cruelty of the vampire's violence. And yet, the revival blended the old school archetype with a modern mentality and gave proper respect to BOTH. It was awesome to watch!!!



The story follows the vampire Barnabas Collins, who is released from his tomb on his estate, Collinwood Manor, in the first ep after being trapped there for 200 years. He promptly assumes the role of a relative from England and starts romancing the new governess, Victoria Winters. Near the middle of the series, something goes wrong with a seance and Victoria is teleported to the year 1790 and immediately runs into Barnabas. During her adventures in the past, Victoria finds out that Barnabas is a vampire. And at the end of the 12 episode run, she is returned to present day. Unfortunately, the show was cancelled at that point, so there's no real resolution to the story.

And just to make it cooler, a couple of my favorite actors made appearances on this show before going on to their own lead roles: Michael T. Weiss, who later took up the mantle of Jarod: The Pretender, and Adrian Paul, who later gained a different type of immortality in Highlander:The Series. Now that it's on DVD, it's on my wishlist. One day soon, I will purchase it!!

Bonus news: It looks like Johnny Depp is also a fan of Dark Shadows, and is working on the big screen version with Tim Burton! Click this link to check out the details!!

GET OFF MY PLANET!!!

I have to admit it's been awhile since I've read comics directly. I have up with major events through reading of certain graphic novels and talking with friends. One of the more amazing series in the Marvel Universe was the Planet Hulk saga. And now the writer of that saga, Greg Pak, brings you the animated version.

While the movie is fairly faithful to it's comics origin, there are some departures. It doesn't cover the entirety of the events of the Planet Hulk saga, choosing instead to drop the viewer into the action giving more immediacy to the start of the film. It also stops short of the ending of the saga which would lead the viewer to assume the creation of the follow up to Planet Hulk in the comics, World War Hulk. Another departure is that the Silver Surfer's appearance is taken over by Beta Ray Bill. These departures, and others not listed, don't hurt the animated film. Instead they give it a tighter, more complete presentation. If they never present World War Hulk in animation, Planet Hulk will still stand stong as a complete stand alone story.

The story line reminded me a great deal of two of my favorite movies, Chronicles of Riddick and Gladiator. Blending the characterization of Riddick with the events of Gladiator, essentially removing the weaknesses of both those films. Planet Hulk presents the idea of a monster is only a monster if it chooses to be one in a much more subtle way than Riddick ever did and the intense action and terseness of the Hulk kills the over sentimentality that weakened Gladiator.

As always, it's cathartic to see Hulk in animation. Seeing him live out the raw destruction and fury society would never let us enjoy will forever be fantastic to see. Some of my favorite moments in this feature are the "Woah!" reactions from the other characters seeing Hulk's power for the first time. Although I do have to say, my favorite part of the Hulk story is the tragedy of Bruce Banner's life and it was sad to not see Bruce in this at all. In lieu of Banner's emotional grounding, Planet Hulk provides Caiera, who through the events of the film presents a new, and powerful tragic story that helps connect the viewer to her world, the planet Sakaar.

The one drawback for me was the animation itself, specifically of Hulk. After watching Hulk Vs, and seeing how well Hulk was drawn in Vs. Thor, I was expecting a better drawing style for him. In Vs. Thor, it looked like they drew more frames to smooth out the animation, whereas in Planet Hulk they were going for more efficient animation. It's not a major drawback at all and didn't detract from my enjoyment of the film.

Overall, I enjoyed the movie. As one of the first feature-length animated movies dealing exclusively with the Hulk, it is a fantastic effort. The voice acting was awesome, the writing was engaging, and I'm growing to enjoy the Marvel animated movie releases a great deal more. If you're in the mood for some good action and a strong story, I recommend Planet Hulk.

Thoughts On... Marriage (old essay)

Old essay, I punched up the writing a little.
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For a great many reasons, I am a rarity in the human male population. One of these reasons is that I believe in marriage. I see myself, at some point in the future, finding an insane woman, signing her out of the asylum and getting married. Granted, part of that has to do with my upbringing, since family is a core belief in the Dominican culture. But, a much larger part is based on my own ideas and opinions. Unlike most people, I've actually spent time thinking about what the word "marriage" means to me. Including things like what I'm supposed to do as part of my responsibilities as a husband, what I believe a wife should do as part of her responsibilities, when I think a relationship is at the point where marriage is a viable option, etc. That being said, I don't think that marriage is the end all and be all of relationships. In fact, most relationships should never go into marriage. It is my personal belief that the main reason why divorce rates are so high is that people are getting into marriage without any thought as to the consequences of that decision.

But the question I find most interesting is, why do so many people, both men AND women believe marriage is so important? Think about it. As a species, humans rarely agree on anything in a majority. Yet EVERY SINGLE culture on the planet has some form of marriage contract. Chinese, Latin, Muslim, Hindi, Palestinian. All of them have some way of two people bonding themselves to each other for the duration of their lives. The details are different, but all of them have it! Even people who don't personally think that marriage is for them respect the belief and give the institution itself a measure of respect. Why? What is it about the concept of marriage that carries such weight with people? And before you start trying to answer that question, think about it for a moment.

What exactly is marriage? What are the tangible facets of a marriage? For the purposes of this essay, I'm going with the traditional American wedding rituals, like the rings. Traditionally, there are three rings involved with a wedding: the diamond engagement ring and two gold wedding bands. If one listens to the typical marriage ceremony, the rings are supposed to represent the quality of the love between the bride & groom. More specifically the basic shape of the ring, a circle, is the actual symbol. With no beginning, the circle has always been in existence just like the love between the bride & groom. With no end, the circle continues for eternity, again just like the love between bride & groom. The language is usually flowery and inspirational. But there was a time when the groom did not know the bride, so their love has an origin. And given the 50% (and climbing) divorce rate just in THIS country alone, married love ends. This is also made much more interesting when one considers the fact that the rings are in fact remnants of the "good old days" when women had no legal rights and her existence depended solely upon whom she married. Not to mention that during this time marriage actually meant a man taking possession of a woman as his bride, sometimes in shackles. Over the course of time, the shackles morphed into the wedding rings. Think about it, ever wonder why the guy doesn't have to wear an engagement ring? (I'm also not going to go into the blood diamonds used in the engagement rings, that's a whole other discussion outside the scope of this essay.)

Then there's the marriage certificate, a piece of paper with ink on it. This paper informs the state and federal governments that you and your bride are now to be regarded as a single unit, much like a corporation. And due to that, the government gives this new entity some legal benefits in exchange for some other drawbacks. And speaking of pieces of paper with ink on them, there's a recent addition to the pantheon of marriage facets: the prenuptial agreement. This piece of paper is a binding promise that says if the "always existing and eternal" love stops existing and dies, the dissolution of the union will follow a previously agreed upon path. It is most interesting to consider that a ceremony which has "till death do us part" as its preferred ending, also has an insurance policy just in case the preferred ending doesn't come to pass. Plus, given that the United States prides itself in maintaining a separation of church and state, what is the logic of announcing to the state that you are going through a ritual that is almost universally regarded as a religious ceremony? And if you don't believe me, ask your nearest gay couple about the difference between a civil union & a marriage.

Last, there's the actual ceremony which boils down to rounding up a group of people, a short walk through the crowd, a lecture by some official, a conversation ending in a reiteration of a promise the couple made when they decided to exclusively be with each other, and then another short walk through the same crowd to a party. Afterwards, you're married. The only physical difference is now you're forced to wear a ring. What else has changed in your life? You're now in debt up to $30K to cover the wedding, rings, and dress. Aside from the legal benefits and drawbacks, that's it.

With an ever increasing majority, by the time a couple is ready to get married, they have been living together for several years. They have been intimate with each other and have promised to keep those activities reserved exclusively for themselves and no other people. And the couple has agreed to stay together. After the marriage ceremony, they're still living together. They're still exclusive to each other in terms of physical intimacy. The agreement to remain together is also still in effect. So, what has actually changed now that the marriage ceremony has taken place?

Some of the defenders of marriage talk about how marriage is a promise to be together forever, choosing someone as your partner for the balance of your life. Where before the ceremony, the promise was just to be together unless something changes. The promise made within a marriage modifies the original promise by locking the union down permanently, making the promise be "together forever" as opposed to "together as long as we can stand it". The problem with that particular argument is the concept of divorce. Think about it, you get married and then if things aren't working out, get divorced. Which essentially changes the promise in a marriage from "together forever" BACK to "together as long as we can stand it". Where's the change that getting married brings then?

Others say that marriage is about being placed together in the eyes of God. (The existence of God is beyond the scope of this essay, so I will stipulate for the purposes of this essay that God exists.) Here is where things get extremely interesting. For all the religious and spiritual folk out there, go back and re-read the part of your bibles about marriage. You'll find there that the exchanging of rings isn't important to God. The same goes for the marriage certificate, prenuptial agreement, the wedding ceremony, the vows, or the kiss at the end. The act that places a couple together in the eyes of our Lord and Savior, is the sex the couple has on the wedding night. Everything else is just trappings for the people. And the wedding night isn't necessary either. The FIRST TIME the couple have sex, they are married in the eyes of God. So, did you take your lover for a test drive last night? Well, guess what, you're now married in the eyes of the Lord! Congratulations!! Again, the question: what is the change that marriage brings? Why is marriage necessary and important? Why is the ceremony needed?

Still others say that marriage is just an end to the relentless and draining world of dating. My question is: if you don't want to keep dating people because of the stress... WHY NOT STOP DATING? Don't pick someone and get married. Take some time for yourself! Enjoy being alone! Plus, there are many folks out there that, for one reason or another, jump from one failed marriage to another, which brings marriage down to another form of serialized dating. Still no real changes that can be attributed to marriage.

While a portion of those reading this will attribute my questions to typical male hesitance to being married (despite the first paragraph in this essay), the part that is really interesting is that is seems that society may start to be seeing things in a different light. In my reading on the internet, I have come across several studies that show that marriage rates are starting to drop in this country (presumably, with a corresponding drop in divorce rates) in favor of just living together. Most of the studies have attributed the drop to changing views on the roles of men and women in society and the subsequent shift in how they relate to each other in every part of life. The blurring of the borders and erasing of gender roles has dropped the importance of marriage significantly. It is my belief that in addition to the societal changes, a great many people have been witness to failed marriages, and the confidence society has had in the institution of marriage has been shaken and is crumbling.

With all this, one might ask why I believe in marriage. The fact that I could write this essay is conclusive proof of my disillusionment with the institution of marriage. So, how could I be so disillusioned and still maintain belief? That's easy. I value marriage for different reasons than most. I value the choice. Most people believe that when the bride and groom say "I do", the choice of marriage is over. That is not true. Every day, when you wake up in the morning, you make the same choice. You choose to stay, to deal with the problems, to suffer the hardships, to enjoy the rewards, and to reap the benefits. From the moment you choose to ask that special someone, you made a conscious choice to alter the future of your life. Through a sheer effort of will, you are altering not only your future, but the future of one other person who agreed to join you on this path. This is an amazing thing for me. I am a big proponent for free will and I am always awed and humbled by the power that choice has over the lives of people.

And wearing the wedding ring is a silent sign of that choice. I see someone with that ring, and it's a token of personal power for the wearer. They made the choice. They had the strength to take life into their hands and wrest from it what they want. That's why I believe in marriage. That's why I take it seriously. And that's why I am so critical of it. Something with that much power is worth examining and should be constantly scrutinized. Thoughts?